"And so it is, just like you said it would be"

This title is from on of my favorite songs by Damien Rice. I started this post at the end of March and ended up typing it in a Word document but what I wrote will not be posted on here today, nor will it ever be posted. There's no need to anymore.

Master and I are working on the logistics of our relationship and I must say that it is causing strain on the two of us. There are times that I wonder about the amount of strain. Relationships, like most things in life, can only stand so much before they begin to bend and break. Master knows that I fear this; I fear that I'm causing Him more strain and stress than He needs right now. I'm always very open with Him in how I feel about things. I cannot hide anything from Master. It's impossible anymore. He hears it all.

However, with this comes the feeling of being too open and too needy. There are times when I feel like I'm annoying Him with all the mundane happenings of my life, as well as with all the stresses I'm trying to deal with. This causes a tremendous amount of guilt on my part. He has reassured me that if He didn't want to know, He wouldn't ask. But there are times that I feel the need to hold things back, to almost shield Him, and keep Him from having to experience my stress and worries. I don't understand why I feel that way and will often push those feelings out of my mind. I have no reason to hide anything anymore. He knows it all.

My being so open with Master also leaves me feeling very vulnerable. Past relationships in my life have never had a lot of trust built into them and being so trusting of Him scares me at times. It is getting easier and easier but I still have those insecurities on my part. Being vulnerable also scares me because I've been burned more than once. He knows things that some of my best friends do not. I cannot figure out why I trusted Him so much, so early in our relationship but I did. I guess I'm allowed to still surprise myself.

This vulnerable feeling has also left me feeling more feminine. I know that sounds very odd but in being so open, I'm becoming more soft and loving. Having Master to guide and protect me has taken away my reason for being tough and protective of myself. Don't get me wrong, in my day-to-day life I still stand up for myself and can have a very masculine feel about me. I've also found myself dressing more feminine and being a bit more concerned about how I present myself to those around me. Perhaps this is because how I present myself, is a reflection of Master. I'm far from vain but now will tend to make sure my hair is neat and my make-up is fresh.

And in this all, I've become a lot more comfortable in being a woman and more comfortable in my own skin. I like having a softer side. It's nice to know that I have someone who loves me so much to have taken on this role of guiding, teaching, and protecting me. As Master has mentioned, I can be a challenge, usually inadvertently.

We went through a rough patch and it came down to figuring out whether or not I was worth keeping. My life is full of a lot of bullshit. Frank and crass, yes but that's the only way to describe it. With Him being my Master, He must also deal with this bullshit. He's been good in helping me through things. I've also found myself wanting to stay in my role as a submissive at all times. This feeling has only become more and more strong. I don't think there is anything wrong with it but that I'm not around Master at all times. He cannot tighten the rein when I do something that I'm not supposed to do. I also do not have Him around to give me instructions when I need them. He has suggested that I call Him but I don't want to seem too needy. Finding the balance is hard. I'm not sure where the balance point is. I'm still learning and becoming comfortable in this role.

But I must say that I've never been more comfortable in a role. I have been so fortunate in discovering this part of who I am and fortunate in finding Master who has been more that patient with me. I find myself wanting to give Him even more control than He has already. It's a scary feeling but also one that is oddly comfortable. It feels natural and right.

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I'm going to try and leave things on this blog more often. I always leave them in draft form for Master to read and approve of. He makes the posts. So, if you notice a difference in dates, that's why. But I'm resolving to post more often.