Confusion

Well, I have returned from my trip. It was relaxing overall but I wish that Master would've been able to have come with me. I had a good time but there was a bit of loneliness with me all weekend. I honestly thought about not going because we haven't had a lot of alone time lately and I'm getting desperate and greedy for any moment.

One night last week before I left, I was feeling so low. Master has been working at least ninety hours a week and when He was home, there was always things that needed to be done around the house or things done on His computer. I didn't feel like He desired me anymore; we talked about it before I left and we made love. It was so beautiful and so tender that I almost cried afterwards.

Before my trip had come up, Master bought tickets to a concert. Some friends of ours had tickets as well. A couple of friends from out of town were coming to our house to ride with us. They were going to be at the house at any moment. I hurried up and was getting out of the shower when they arrived. Master snapped at me a few times in front of two of His friends. I felt like a child. He snapped at me when I didn't want to decide where to stop for a quick bite to eat even though He knew long ago that I don't like making decisions. He made a comment to His buddies that women never listen.

That hurt, a lot. It pushed me out of whatever subspace there was left. I stayed fairly quiet for the rest of the night, just sticking to joking with friends in between songs and acts. There have been times when I don't know what to say to Master, that nothing I say is right. There have been times when He's asked me what was wrong, and after telling Him, He's gotten angry and we've argued. So, I kept it inside.

That in and of itself makes me feel guilty but writing this out makes me feel worse. Master doesn't work all the hours for fun and it seems like my feeling this way is all wrong. I'm so confused and I'm hurting inside but I don't know what to do about it. I'm scared that when Master reads this, He'll blow a gasket. I also don't know that I feel like being a slave anymore. I don't want to get back into space only to fall out of it again and keep falling like I have.

I'm sobbing as I write this. No matter what perspective I look at the situation in, it hurts and I feel extremely guilty. I don't know how to feel about this anymore. I've lost count of the nights I've cried myself to sleep, Master being home some of them. I feel like I've failed miserably and that nothing I do is right.

I'm also questioning my submission. I know Master loves me and wants to own me but I don't know that I'm good enough for Him. A good slave wouldn't feel like this and would be able to accept it and move on. I, however, am hopelessly stuck.

I love my Master, more than I love myself. I want to be submissive to Him always and couldn't live without Him but is there time in our busy lives anymore to live a full blown M/s lifestyle? The dynamics are changing and I don't know how to handle it all.

Master-

I love you more than life itself but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm confused, hurting, and guilt-ridden for feeling the way I do. You have no idea how thankful I am for all that you've done for me, more than my own family ever did. I love that you work so hard to provide me with everything I have. I just don't know how to handle this and I've been too afraid to ask for help. You have enough to deal with without me adding to it all. Please help me find my balance, find our balance again...

llama