Flesh and Bones
Friday night was fun! Master was so good to me...He always is.
And therein lies the problem. He's always good to me and there are times when I am just so down, depressed. And there's no reason for it. I should be happy. Friday night was a perfect example. Instead of getting excited about a night Master had planned out for us, I got nervous and self-conscious. I felt like He was setting me up to fail.
How terrible is that? How horrid?
My self-esteem has never been good, not even close actually. When I see the disappointment in Master's eyes or when I can hear it in His voice, I crumble inside. I begin to beat myself up; truth be told, I'm my own worst enemy. Even though I know that as a submissive, my opinions only matter so much, that my direction comes from my Master, I can't seem to stop beating myself up after He commands me to. He's told me countless times, "It's my job to punish you, not yours."
God, I wish it was that easy! I really do because my life would be so much easier, simpler. But I've surrendered to Him completely; He has my heart, soul, trust, and entire life in His hands so I should be able to hear Him over my own voice. Except that when I begin to punish myself, I'm screaming and His voice gets lost in my own self-doubt.
Yes, I know. I'm complicated as hell. But I digress...
I've also found that I've become very dependent on Master for my moods. I feed off of His moods and His energy a lot. I'm very aware of this and have worked on my own to try and stop. There are times when He's tired and doesn't have the energy to do much of anything; instead of blaming myself for being too much of a burden, I'm trying to remember that everyone has rough days.
Trying to remember that I'm not perfect is hard to do when I've gone and messed up something that was idiot simple...AGAIN. Master and I are both human, made up of simple flesh and bone. We aren't kinky superheroes who live the perfect D/s life 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (although that'd be fun!).
In what seems to be common in the blogs the past few days, is the fact that our relationships are like the relationships of vanilla folks; we go through ups and downs, we fight, and we are sometimes withdrawal from life. Magdala has done a great post on this topic.
I'm trying not to let other people's moods affect me. Master is the only one I need worry about, not anyone else. He is my life, my world, my owner, and my keeper. Now, more so than the past few months, I know I need Him and want Him. I've told Him before that I would be utterly lost if I were to lose Him. I never want to go back to who I was before He took me as His slave. I'm realizing that I need to take better care of myself for Him as well as for my own well being.
I have no doubt that we'll go through a rough patch here and there but it's normal. The only thing I need to do is be the best that I can be physically and mentally, so that I can be the best slave possible for my Master.
And therein lies the problem. He's always good to me and there are times when I am just so down, depressed. And there's no reason for it. I should be happy. Friday night was a perfect example. Instead of getting excited about a night Master had planned out for us, I got nervous and self-conscious. I felt like He was setting me up to fail.
How terrible is that? How horrid?
My self-esteem has never been good, not even close actually. When I see the disappointment in Master's eyes or when I can hear it in His voice, I crumble inside. I begin to beat myself up; truth be told, I'm my own worst enemy. Even though I know that as a submissive, my opinions only matter so much, that my direction comes from my Master, I can't seem to stop beating myself up after He commands me to. He's told me countless times, "It's my job to punish you, not yours."
God, I wish it was that easy! I really do because my life would be so much easier, simpler. But I've surrendered to Him completely; He has my heart, soul, trust, and entire life in His hands so I should be able to hear Him over my own voice. Except that when I begin to punish myself, I'm screaming and His voice gets lost in my own self-doubt.
Yes, I know. I'm complicated as hell. But I digress...
I've also found that I've become very dependent on Master for my moods. I feed off of His moods and His energy a lot. I'm very aware of this and have worked on my own to try and stop. There are times when He's tired and doesn't have the energy to do much of anything; instead of blaming myself for being too much of a burden, I'm trying to remember that everyone has rough days.
Trying to remember that I'm not perfect is hard to do when I've gone and messed up something that was idiot simple...AGAIN. Master and I are both human, made up of simple flesh and bone. We aren't kinky superheroes who live the perfect D/s life 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (although that'd be fun!).
In what seems to be common in the blogs the past few days, is the fact that our relationships are like the relationships of vanilla folks; we go through ups and downs, we fight, and we are sometimes withdrawal from life. Magdala has done a great post on this topic.
I'm trying not to let other people's moods affect me. Master is the only one I need worry about, not anyone else. He is my life, my world, my owner, and my keeper. Now, more so than the past few months, I know I need Him and want Him. I've told Him before that I would be utterly lost if I were to lose Him. I never want to go back to who I was before He took me as His slave. I'm realizing that I need to take better care of myself for Him as well as for my own well being.
I have no doubt that we'll go through a rough patch here and there but it's normal. The only thing I need to do is be the best that I can be physically and mentally, so that I can be the best slave possible for my Master.
posted by llama at 4/21/2006 07:11:00 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home