All I See is You

Things are finally starting to clam back down around here, at least for me. Of course, I have work sitting next to me on the couch right now but it can wait just a little longer. I have something on my mind.

The other morning, Master informed me that I was going to have a foot and leg massage. After working on my feet all day long, this was going to feel amazing. It was to be done by a mutual friend of ours and would take about an hour. I was excited! I was lucky enough to have gotten a full body massage a few years ago so I knew I'd leave feeling delicious.

I arrived, and after a few formalities, was shown the room. The woman let me get ready and off came the pants and shoes. I laid back on the table and settled in. If you've never been on one, they are quite comfortable. She came in and got started on my feet.

As she rubbed and stretched, she ask about the pressure level and if I was feeling enough. It occurred to me rather quickly that I felt a bit out of place; I am so accustomed to serving Master and doing things for other people that I hardly ever treat myself. I'm not use to someone asking me how things feel and if it's good enough.

I also kept thinking about how Master would've benefited much more from this massage than I was. I paid attention to the massage strokes and tried to remember as much as possible so that I could use them on Master. Finally I told myself to shut up and enjoy the massage! Master wanted this for me and not to waste it thinking of other things.

The massage felt fantastic and I left feeling much more relaxed. With everything going on, the relaxation didn't last long. The day was moving along and quickly leaving me behind. There were a lot of things on my mind.

One main thing was that I couldn't help but wonder if I'm more submissive than I realize. Of course there are some days when I wonder if I'm submissive at all. I read a variety of other blogs and almost all are blogs that submissive women keep. I read the things that they do and what their Masters do to them.

Sometimes what I read makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I've expressed to Master that I could never be treated as merely an object with no feelings and only around to be used. I'm a human being in need of love, affection, and validation. I'm not putting those down who wish to be objects, to each their own. It's something that breaks my heart at the very thought.

There are things that Master wants to do that are hard limits with me. I'm sitting here tearing up at the thought. Do my hard limits make me less submissive because I don't want something Master does? Doesn't every one have their limits? Will I ever be able to give Him everything He expects? There are many dimensions to some of my limits. Some of the things I use to want, I no longer want, no longer desire.

Master wishes to bring in another woman into our bed. At the beginning of our relationship, I was indeed curious as to what it was like to be with another woman. I expressed this. However, we are now in a very committed relationship. Dynamics have changed. I am no longer curious but Master says He wants to do it for me because I wanted it. Master satisfies me completely; I haven't the want of another person anymore.

We've gone back and forth over this issue. Every time I end up in tears and we have usually argued about it. I cry because He refuses to let it go, refuses to accept the fact that it's something that no longer interests me. And I know, I'm submissive but in my mind, if He wants to bring someone else in that badly, than I'm not giving Him everything He wants. I cry because a relationship to me, is two people and no one else. Bringing another in our bed is wrong. Any way you put it to me, it's cheating in my mind.

And frankly, it scares me. He asked what would happen if He brought another woman home. Every time He says that, it hurts down to my very core. I cringe and want to duck away like I've been punched in the gut. That means He'd been in contact with her and shared intimate things about us. That He's had to have met her beforehand, at least once. That hurts.

*I must say now that this has not happened. These are merely the thoughts that have passed through my brain on more than one occasion.*

How can I be submissive if I'm staunchly against this? I can't make it work in my mind. But I can't seem to think of myself and will put everyone else above my wants and needs. Master is the center of my universe and I live my days trying to please Him and make myself a better person. How do I bring this to a happy medium?

I can't accurately describe that pain this causes within me. I love Master more than I love myself. He has given me the world. He has made me into a person that I can actually love. I can look at myself in the mirror most days. He makes me laugh and has taught me how to live a normal life and have normal relationships with the people around me. But what happens when I can't give Him what He expects?

Well this post kind of went in a direction I didn't expect it to. I wanted it to be about whether I was submissive and how much so. I didn't plan on it getting so deep into one issue. But, that's what spilled out when I began. I cried my way through it. I guess it's there because the matter weighs heavily on my mind some nights. It makes me question everything that I've become in the past year and a half.

It's difficult and I still struggle with some of the choices I can no longer make. I want Master to take more control and yet I don't. Am I the only one stuck in an endless state of unbalance?