Steps Forward

Master and I discussed my last blog post. I told Him that I still wanted to be submissive to Him. I always want to belong to Him. I just feel like I'm asking for too much from Master as busy as He is to begin with. He assured me that I wasn't asking for too much or taking up too much time. But my wanting to make life easier for Him as His slave, I felt that if I was released, it'd be one less thing to have to worry about, one less thing to have to make time for.

Last night, something interesting happened. Master got home from work very late. He had told me earlier in the evening that I had a paddling coming. I thought, "Oh thank God, I need the release, I need to let go of everything."

Well, that's not what happened. Oh, I got a spanking/paddling but the desired result wasn't achieved. As He paddled or spanked me, I became more and more angry; almost to the point of wanting to explode at Him. I became very aware that over the past month or so that I have built up a wall around me again. I did it out of necessity, to protect myself from being disappointed, protect myself from Master being angry at me for something.

And I had no idea this had happened.

When Master and I first started our relationship, He had quite a few tough walls to break through before He got to my core being. After the paddling, He fucked me but I was too angry to really get into it. He got up to clean up and get some water, I got up and got into some sweats. We laid down but I was so far from being tired that sleep was foreign. The rage within me just boiled up. Master had fallen asleep which is probably a good thing because it would've been ugly had He asked me what was wrong.

All I could think about was making Him feel like I have; unwanted, not good enough, angry, depressed, hurt, and confused. But what good would come of that? I eventually got up out of bed and watched some television in the living room. I needed to calm way down before sleep became an option. After about 20 minutes, I got myself back under control and went back to bed.

I sighed and wondered what was wrong with me as I laid there drifting off to sleep. I love Master but I've gotten back to protecting and taking care of myself again. It's almost like we'll have to go back to the beginning again and start all over. I doubt that it'll take very long before we'll be able to work back to being Master and slave, back to the way things were.

And a note of thanks to Taylor and Padme. Thank you for your comments because I honestly thought I was alone on my feelings. I appreciated them more than you know...thank you!