"I'm on my knees, confessing, that I feel myself surrender, each time I see your face..."
Master has been very good to me the past few days. I'm dealing with some stress in my life and everything seemed to come out last night.
All the self doubt I carry, all my guilt about things I can't control, my demons basically came out for a field day. And I always tend to be harder on myself. No punishment that He could ever give me would be worse than what I do to myself on the inside. The harder I'm reprimanded and punished, the harder I am on myself because I've screwed up and made someone upset. Although I do have problems with self-esteem, they rarely get that out of hand. These are irrational feelings that Master doesn't understand. I don't understand them myself sometimes. Last night was one of these times.
We finished talking and I got offline, only to hop back on and ask Him to please call me if it wasn't too much trouble. I didn't get a response and wasn't sure if He'd seen it. I went about getting ready for bed as instructed. I was surprised when my phone rang.
He said that He didn't understand these doubts I have about myself, why I always second guess myself. He told me that I was already a wonderful woman and was on my way to being a wonderful submissive. I know that Him hearing me say things about doubting myself, hurts Him. They are irrational on most levels.
At some point, He thought I was doubting He and His abilities. I've only doubted Him a couple times and those times did not involve our D/s relationship. I've never doubted His abilities to be my Master...I know that He can be and is an amazing Master. I doubt myself.
And I know that from know on, this self-doubt and these esteem issues will carry a punishment. Perhaps it's what I need to stop my demons...I can't stop them myself. That's why I have Him. I know He has faith in me and never fails to tell me. It feels good to hear things like that. I never heard them enough before, but I think I can get use to it.
Today was a better day and I'm back to being me. Generally happy but nevertheless worried about something. That, too, will take me time. That'll be a hard habit to break. Although, when I'm with you, I don't have to worry because I know that You'll take care of me. My esteem will rise because I know that I'm loved and treasured. I love you Master.
All the self doubt I carry, all my guilt about things I can't control, my demons basically came out for a field day. And I always tend to be harder on myself. No punishment that He could ever give me would be worse than what I do to myself on the inside. The harder I'm reprimanded and punished, the harder I am on myself because I've screwed up and made someone upset. Although I do have problems with self-esteem, they rarely get that out of hand. These are irrational feelings that Master doesn't understand. I don't understand them myself sometimes. Last night was one of these times.
We finished talking and I got offline, only to hop back on and ask Him to please call me if it wasn't too much trouble. I didn't get a response and wasn't sure if He'd seen it. I went about getting ready for bed as instructed. I was surprised when my phone rang.
He said that He didn't understand these doubts I have about myself, why I always second guess myself. He told me that I was already a wonderful woman and was on my way to being a wonderful submissive. I know that Him hearing me say things about doubting myself, hurts Him. They are irrational on most levels.
At some point, He thought I was doubting He and His abilities. I've only doubted Him a couple times and those times did not involve our D/s relationship. I've never doubted His abilities to be my Master...I know that He can be and is an amazing Master. I doubt myself.
And I know that from know on, this self-doubt and these esteem issues will carry a punishment. Perhaps it's what I need to stop my demons...I can't stop them myself. That's why I have Him. I know He has faith in me and never fails to tell me. It feels good to hear things like that. I never heard them enough before, but I think I can get use to it.
Today was a better day and I'm back to being me. Generally happy but nevertheless worried about something. That, too, will take me time. That'll be a hard habit to break. Although, when I'm with you, I don't have to worry because I know that You'll take care of me. My esteem will rise because I know that I'm loved and treasured. I love you Master.
posted by llama at 5/08/2005 10:30:00 PM
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