The road to my goals...

Is a hard one to say the least. But more about that later on...Master and I played last night. Or better, Master played with me last night. That sounds better.

The evening got away from us Friday and we ended up not playing. Master made me the promise that we'd play Sunday night and I know that when He makes a promise, He'll keep to it. Unlike so many other people in my life, Master keeps His promises. *smiles*

So after I got dinner cleaned up and put away, He sent me to finish a couple things around the house and to prepare myself. I was a bit nervous but I always am before we play. It's not fear at all but more like, anticipation, excitement, butterflies in my tummy. I finished up as quickly as possible and came out to Him with my collar and bathrobe on. He smiled at me and went off into the bedroom, leaving me to wonder. I could hear rustling, the toy bag being brought down out of the closet, and my cuffs. He came out and tossed them next to me on the couch. I looked up at Him and smiled.

I got His devilish look back. Hee hee hee! I was so ready to be completely His and have Him be focused on me solely.

"Into the bedroom and lie down on your back."

I got up silently and walked to the room with Him following behind me. The first thing He did was bring me the blindfold. It takes away my vision but makes my hearing so much more acute. I could hear Him in the bag and walking around, soon returning to my side. I smiled and giggled.
He began sliding something under my back and that something turned out to be a nylon work belt; He pulled it tightly, squeezing, restricting me. It was new feeling and I think I liked it...lol. Okay, there's no think about it, I loved the feeling.

Master then walked away and returned with the chopsticks and began to place them on my nipples. When they first went on, they really didn't hurt so I figured it wouldn't be too bad coming off. I was so wrong. Master then tied a piece of rope to my ankle cuff, looped it around my neck and tied my other ankle to it, leaving me with both legs up in the air. This is how He left me with and began to work on me. The first few strikes of the crop hurt. I'm not sure why because I don't think He was swinging hard. I'd never been tied up this way and worked over but maybe my skin was pulled tighter than usual? I don't know...

Anyway, Master worked me with the crop, one of His leather belts, He hands...with the leather gloves on. It felt good but I wasn't going into space; I was stopping myself. There was a lot on my mind and I couldn't seem to let go. He had me flip onto my stomach which hurt because of those chopsticks. Eventually the pain eased off and I could put my chest down almost flat against the bed. Master kept working me but I was still hanging on and began to feel horrible, guilty about it.

At one point, He stepped back and snapped a few pictures (and had been doing so throughout the play). After I heard Him shut the camera off, I asked if I could get up and use the bathroom. Between the belt and being on my stomach, I had to go, which made me feel bad.

"Roll over."

I did so and He began to take the chopsticks off. I smiled and asked if He could leave them on.

"Honey, they're turning blue so it's time to take them off, we'll use them another time." It was a this point that He opened the first chopstick and I held my breath. I know the worst pain comes when all the blood rushes back. It wasn't too bad and actually felt good. The second one wasn't nearly as nice. It hurt like hell and that's being nice. Tears came to my eyes and I began to take deep breaths. Master came over and held my hand as I began to get up. He made sure I was okay and sent me along to the bathroom.

I did my thing (which isn't easy when you're turned on) and came out to find Master, minus shorts, stretched out on the bed. I crawled up between His legs and kneeled, looking down. He asked me what was wrong.

"I didn't get into space and I wanted to. It's almost like we wasted play time."

"Did you enjoy it?" I nodded yes. I did like it, it felt good. "Then it wasn't a waste of time. You aren't going to go into space everytime. Tonight you seemed like you were holding back."

I nodded and looked up into His eyes. He motioned for me to come up and we kissed. He had taken the leather gloves off so I went and grabbed them before we continued. He told me to put them on to see what they felt like. I did so and began to stroke His cock and massage His balls.

"It's different, but I prefer the feeling of your hands." I smiled, slid the gloves off, handed them up to Him with a kiss. With that, I slid down and began doing all of the things He loves. I sucked His cock, licked it up and down. I sucked on His balls, massaging them with my tongue and hands. As I worked His cock, balls, and asshole with my tongue and hands, He snapped pictures. I made sure to try and pause as He snapped because blurry pictures are just no fun! And I had time stopping and starting.

Then He stopped me and turned over. "Rub me down." Arggghh! I was ready to jump on His cock, but He wanted a massage. So, I took my time and rubbed His shoulders and neck, down His back, massaged His ass and inner thighs. He enjoyed me rubbing His inner thighs. Worked on down to His feet and took my time there, making sure to get them good. He basically has flat feet and His job keeps Him walking around a lot of the day; so I make an effort to spend extra time there. While massaging Him, I noticed that His cock had some pre-cum on it and we can't let that go to waste! I took my finger and took the first drop, licking it off. Another appeared so I got it with my tongue.

Master rewarded me with a nice, deep moan. When I finished His back, He rolled over. I greeted Him with a deep kiss. "You aren't finished, lick your way down."

I slowly licked, kissed, and sucked my way down His body, back down to His cock. I sucked Him hard again. I love feeling His cock get hard in my mouth, throbbing and pulsing. What's better than that, knowing that He's getting hard because of you?

"Stop." I sat up and back. "Sit on my cock."

What followed was so erotic. I sat on His cock, working Him into me. Soon we were fucking hard and fast, his gloved hands around my collar, neck. I could see the passion and desperation in His eyes and I'm sure He saw that in mine as well as the fact I was sliding into space.

"Hurt me please Master." He slapped me hard across the left cheek, then the right, eliciting a moan from my throat. He slapped my tits and ass. He took over and began fucking me hard, covering my mouth tightly with one hand, and squeezing my hip with the other. It was too much and I squealed my way through an orgasm. He pushed me back and before I knew it, was climbing on top on me, my ankle on His shoulders. Then He clipped the ankle cuffs to the wrist cuffs on each side, so I could not move my legs down, or reach up and grab him. He fucked me hard and deep, moaning, and comming to His own orgasm. I could feel His cock throb and spasm until He pulled out.

He pulled me close and kissed me. I was soaring in my own world as He climbed out of bed to clean off. The feelings of guilt returned as I came down from space, like they had just waited there quietly, rubbing their hands together, killing the endorphines and dopamine rushing through me.

I have a lot of trouble with my self-esteem and ego. The smallest, most meaningless things, have a way of ripping away an esteem that I had built back up. Most of the time, I feel like I'm not good enough or that I need to do things better, and these things are self-imposed. Master thinks I'm doing a wonderful job and that I'm coming along nicely as His slave, but there are days when I feel like nothing.

And it's poisoning Master and I both, individually and as a couple. I can see it, I can see the disappointment in Master's eyes when I feel so bad about myself because He's tried to help me, tried to get me to realize that there's nothing wrong with the way I am. Unfortunately, when He took me as His slave, He got years of emotional and mental abuse along with it. I try so hard not to make Him pay for something He didn't do, something He did nothing to cause.

And when I think about that, the guilty feelings come back. Nasty little cycle, huh? I've gotten past the feelings of burdening Him and I see that I'm here because He wants me here, takes care of me because He wants to, not because He has to. I'm capable of taking care of myself but I'm much more happy, secure, and more calm because He owns me. I love that Master wants to own me, protect and take care of me. I want Him to take my life and control it, I want to belong to Him and live for Him.

But my self-esteem issues stop me. I think that part of me is trying to show Him that I'm not worth keeping around. I'm testing Him to see if I can push Him hard enough to make Him give up on me like everyone else has. But so far, I push and He shoves back, puts me back into my place, giving me comfort and security until my demons start up again. I'm scared to death that one day, I'll push Him hard enough and He will give up. I don't think He ever would but just the mere thought of it is almost bringing me to tears.

And in all of this, I can't figure out why I'm doing it. I hate it. I hate feeling like I'm worthless when I know in my heart that I'm not. When Master can look at me in complete adoration, when I can look Him in the eyes and see the love He has for me, see that He finds me attractive and sexy, I can't help but believe Him. When He takes me in His arms, calms me, and kisses me, I still almost melt like the first time we embraced and kissed.

I need to get past these insecurities and I need to do it sooner and not later. I'm poisoning us and that's wrong. When the demons play, I'm not completely dedicated to Master. My heart, my energy, my spirit, my love, my time, cannot possible be going to Master as it should when I'm not feeling good about myself.

And what a terrible thing that is. It goes against everything I want, need, and desire. It goes against my collar and my role in life. So, wish me luck as I begin traveling down this road that is sure to be rough at times. But it's the road towards a goal that will be for Master and for myself; a road towards a happier llama, a happier Master, and a happier life together.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

-Robert Frost "The Road Not Taken"

I'll never regret having taken the road less traveled...