And the ugly rears it's head....

After the last post I made, I felt wonderful. Master loved it and posted it within a few hours of my leaving the draft. I'm still not sure where the inspiration came from...but that's not important.

The other night, Master took me out for dinner and some fun. He let me choose where we would eat and what we'd do afterwards. Herein lies the problem- I do not like making decisions about what to because I'm afraid that the other person (people) won't enjoy it. I hate making decisions like that. But He insisted and we settled on going to a steak place. It being Friday night, we had to wait for quite some time, after asking for first available. We sat at the bar drinking and eating an appetizer.

Soon enough, we were off to our table where we talked about things. I always wonder if He enjoys our relationship as much as I do or if He is addicted to it like I am. I just want to make sure that He isn't doing this for my pleasure only. He wouldn't do anything He didn't want but it still nags at me in the back of my head. But He is happy and does enjoy what we do.

"Power and control are very strong and are addicting."

After we finished dinner, He counted money that He was holding and handed me part of it. I didn't want to take it; I complained.

I also know better. If He wants me to have it, I should take it without complaint and thank Him.

Oh no. I complained and whined about it. He just wanted to have money in my pocket for things that may come up which isn't a bad idea at all; it's a good idea but I couldn't stop my mouth. He took it back and I was embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. He asked why I didn't need it. I didn't want to answer Him. I know I shouldn't feel uncomfortable taking anything from Him, since he handles everything in my life for me. This is what I have told Him I wanted, and he has agreed to do, upon taking me as His. I did tell Him and I knew that it annoyed Him and probably angered Him. We've gone through this again and again but for some reason I can't get past it.

Then He asked me what I wanted to do afterwards. I was trying my damnedest not to cry and was fine for the moment. I told Him that I didn't know and asked Him how He felt- He'd been fighting a headache and had taken something at the table to help it go away. If He didn't feel well, we could just go home. I asked Him how He felt to which He responded, "That's not what I asked you, where do you want to go?"

"Well, Master if you don't feel well, we can go home. Do you feel okay?"

He snapped back with, "I feel fine, headache's gone, What do you want to do?"

Ouch. I knew it wasn't gone. All I wanted to do was make sure He was okay and felt up to doing something else. That's all. We drove around for a minute or two when He said that He had something in mind; He was going to take me shopping to an adult store He knew of. Fine with me, I didn't want to pick.

As we got closer, it dawned on Him that it was late and the store was probably closed for the evening. He asked again what I wanted to do...

At this point, I need to explain that I am not used to this. I am not used to anyone in my life caring about what I want. This is something that I have tried very hard to work on since being with Master.

And I told Him that I didn't care. I can't remember if He said something or if it was His body language but I knew that I'd probably pissed Him off. I felt so small, so terrible; I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide. I was taking what was suppose to be a nice night out for us to relax and enjoy each other, and ruining it. And without much effort I might add.

I turned away from Him in the car, not wanted Him to see the tears in my eyes and my cheeks. He decided what to do in this time and we ended up a cigar bar. By time we got there, I was okay but I was trying hard not to just shut down. I was punishing myself for it all.

I was very quiet and Master asked me if I was okay, that I looked miserable. I answer that I was fine and that where we were, was actually very nice. It was quiet and laid back. I'm not much for the bar or club scene very often. I have to be in the right mood. I was fine but I was punishing myself. I knew better. Eventually I told Him this and He ordered me to stop punishing myself. I tried, I really did try and enjoy myself but I felt like shit. And still do on a level. He wasn't mad about it but it was bugging me. I was reserved for the rest of the evening.

I can't see the progress that Master says that I've made. I can only see myself screwing up when I know better and fowling up all the time. I should know better after all this time. All I want to do now is apologize and cry into His shoulder while He hugs me but I can't. As I write this, he is off at work. I'm afraid I'll never get past this cycle of feeling like I'm not performing or behaving as expected by Him, feeling guilty, and having to apologize in tears just to get all the feelings out. Punishment would only make me feel even more guilty for everything, in justifying my punishing myself, because He had to punish me. He shouldn't have to deal with this anymore but I can't get past it sometimes. I'm not even sure that I've gotten better with it.

This morning, He kissed my cheek before He left, not wanting to wake me up. I felt Him get close and dozed off again as soon as He left. I'm the only one with the problem.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let it get to me and zap my energy?

I don't know the answer but I do feel better after spilling everything here. I told Him last night that if He wanted me to have cash in my pocket book, that I would take it without complaint because I did understand His reasoning.

I need to go handle some things on my "To Do" list that's only getting longer as I sit here.