Screw ups, pain, and redemption

Master wants me to write about what happened the other day as part of my punishment. I'm not sure He realizes how much this going to hurt but it's something He wants done - here goes nothing. I started this the day after all this happened, and saved it. I then went back today and added to it, including the events of yesterday.

The day started out quite nicely. I felt good and had actually gotten enough sleep the night before. I was in a good mood and enjoying the very warm day. Master had instructed me to call Him when I was done with my errands to let Him know I was home. I did as such. This is where it goes down hill.

As I've posted before (and Master has posted) it's been decided that at some point, He wants to bring in another woman. We've talked about a threesome, or maybe just me and her alone. I don't think I am ready for this. I had, in the past, wondered what it would be like to sleep with another woman but I didn't want to be in any type of committed relationship if it happened. This topic stirs up some not-so-nice emotions in me. He made a mention of something along those same lines to me on the phone and I just didn't like it. I got very, very uncomfortable and said that, "I wish you would've waited until you got home to talk about this." The phone conversation ended amicably. At some point, I got online and we started chatting.

I mentioned that talking about that subject made me uncomfortable, that even in this relationship, knowing that He'd never hurt or endanger me, having someone else in bed with us still worries me. On another level, I want to do it for Him to please Him but my heart and mind get in the way.

He made a humorous comment, and I took it the wrong way. I started getting upset and when that happens, I get defensive. I said something that He took the wrong way and got angry with me. He told me some things He wanted me to do before he got home, and to go do them. He had called me afterwards to tell me a few other things, and I wanted to finish the conversation so I could let go of how upset I was but He couldn't...He was at work.

By the time He got home, the angry and stupidity had gone and all I wanted to do was apologize. He wanted to know what I wanted to say on the phone earlier. I couldn't remember most of it because I was angry and I wanted to apologize on the phone. It wasn't good enough. I got upset again and was shaking. He asked again what my problem was. I told Him that I was afraid of what He thought of me and I asked if He still loved me. That made things worse; He wanted to know what kind of SOB I thought He was that He'd stop loving me over this. I cried harder - all I wanted was to hear Him say that He loved me, hug me, and say that we'd talk later on after dinner. But I sobbed harder, causing Him to question me more. He has always told me that I can tell Him anything, that I can be open and completely honest so I was. I said that I was afraid that this would cause Him to kick me out.

This made things twenty times worse. Once again, He asked why He'd kick me out over a fight and I must not think very much of our relationship to have said something like that.

Ouch. There's the hurt again. In my past, anytime that there's been trouble with me, those closest to me haven't stuck around. They'd basically throw their arms up and tell me to deal with whatever was wrong. I was never worth the trouble. These feelings linger in this relationship but only when we fight. My telling Him how I felt was honest - I just don't feel like I'm worth it sometimes. My defenses went right back up. I tried to just stay out of His way.

We tried for sex later that night, and my mind was just not on it and my heart was not into it.

At bedtime, we both made our way into the bedroom quietly. He sat His alarm clock and did a little dance. I smiled at Him, thinking about how much I really did love this goofball. I then decided to ask whether or not He believed me when I said that I still wanted to serve Him. I wasn't prepared for the answer and probably should've just kept my mouth shut.

"I don't know what to think right now."

Yeah, there's that pain again. It felt like a knife had been taken and pushed into my chest, then twisted. I rolled away and curled up from the feeling of having my breath knocked out. To protect myself from what else He was going to say, and to stay away from His gaze. Now, it had just become A LOT harder to look Him in the eyes.

Really quite wrong and selfish of me.

In the morning nothing was said as He was getting ready for work. I laid in bed, having been awake since before His alarm went off, staring into space, trying to figure out how I could manage to screw up so terribly. As He was getting ready to leave the room, I asked if He was okay and was given no answer.

When He ignores me, I feel completely worthless. I'm not worth His answering my question. My heart completely sank. My job is to serve Him and I was only hurting Him, angering Him. How did I get everything so wrong?? The physical symptoms were too much; my chest hurt, my head was pounding, and my stomach was in knots. As soon as I stood up out of bed, I knew I was going to be sick. I got into the bathroom, turned on the fan and shut the door quickly. At least my stomach wasn't bothering me anymore.

I thought about getting back into bed but I needed a Tums, my throat and stomach were now on fire. I walked out as quietly as I could and got one from my purse and headed into the kitchen for a glass of water. My hands were shaking so bad I couldn't hold the glass; I didn't want Him to hear the ice rattling. I quickly went in and say on the couch.

"Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean I stop loving you."

I cried, making sure I didn't get any on His shirt. He kissed my check and forehead. I still couldn't look up into His eyes. We said our "I love you's" and He headed off to work. That's all I really wanted Him to do when He had gotten home the day before.

My day today has been spent mostly in anguish and confusion. We both lost our tempers over something really stupid and in the confusion, He questioned my submission. I think that's what still hurts today is the fact that He doesn't trust my submission. When the time comes that someone else does join us in bed, I will be ready but nervous. He wouldn't do it before I was ready and I know that. I'll do what He tells me and probably end up enjoying it. We'll be fine afterwards too.



***As much as I hate to admit it, writing this has made me feel better. I had a little doubt in the beginning, can't you tell? I guess I needed to process everything that had actually happened so I could understand where we both went wrong. I'm trying desperately not to apologize and take everything onto my shoulders - I'm not sure that is the correct course of action. On some level, I will be punished by Master and that will clear the air of everything. I just hope that after this, He doesn't question my submission. That was never the intent of me in becoming uncomfortable with a situation.***

I love you Master and I do still want to serve you with all that I am. That's the only way that I can truly be who I am and the only way for you to see that person. You own me. I do whatever you want, whenever you want, and however you want. I'm yours. I'll do what you ask and have been trying my hardest to be the best submissive I can be.

I love you.

@~~~llama~~~@



Yesterday was a day filled with a lot anxiety although there was a sense of peace because I knew what was going to happen; I knew a punishment was coming my way but knew that afterwards, all would be said and done and nothing would be mentioned again and we'd be just fine.

I had to wait for Master to get home for work and often, that's the worst part. I wasn't sure if He was still angry, if He'd speak to me. I spent the time pacing around, trembling, and trying in vain not to bite my fingers. Finally I sat down and tried to pass the time by checking my mail and the blogs I read. Not too much longer after that, I heard Him come in the front door. I was too nervous to say anything or move for that matter so I stayed put. He came in and we talked about what had happened at work and such. He let me know that there were errands to run and off we went.

We stopped into the store and picked up some things we needed. I just followed and helped carry what we needed. He didn't grab a shopping cart so I figured that it'd be a short stop. As we were walking, He grabbed a stray cart and headed towards the ladies underwear. He began to look through the various pairs of thongs, boy shorts, and matching sets of bras and panties. He decided that we were going to start adding to my collection of lingerie.

All sorts of cute, lacey, and sheer panties were chosen. He picked out a red bra and its matching pair of boy shorts which are very sexy. I also have a set consisting of a bra/tank top and its matching thong - this set being black and very pale pink. Once again, quite sexy looking. Master did most of the choosing. I ended up with about 3-4 new pairs of thongs, a new bra, two sets, a couple of tank tops (which Master finds appealing), and more thigh highs. This little shopping excursion was the last thing I would've expected, especially yesterday. As we got in the car, He told that I would be modeling everything for Him once at home.

After we got home, I thanked Him. He replied, "Just because I'm upset doesn't mean I quit loving you and doing things for you. I wanted to start expanding your collection."

I went into the bedroom and began to go through everything and model for Him. He enjoyed them all. The last thing I tried on was my black, lace set, black thigh highs, and heels. Master really enjoyed this outfit and called me over to Him. I stood in front, then turning around. He ran His hands up and down my body, stroking and caressing. Soon, I was kneeling in front of Him, sucking of cock. I sucked, licked, and played with His balls just as He enjoys. I was determined today, not to let my mind think too much and ruin being with Him.

"Stand up and turn around."

I did so and soon had the command to sit down. I reached behind and grabbed the shaft of His cock, moving myself over Him and slowly working Him into me. Once He was in me, He used the rocking action of His chair to fuck me. We stayed like this for a few minutes, my working up and down and Him rocking forward and backward. What an amazing feeling...*smiles*

He ordered me into the bedroom where we finished fucking on the bed. God I just crave Him sometimes. I stripped out my lingerie and got back into some sweats and one of the tanks He bought me, and no bra. He had some work to do outside and started to get ready for that. Before He went out the door, I asked what He thought of the draft I wrote about what had happened.

"I didn't like it...well, I didn't like the way things unfolded. It had nothing to do with your writing."

"Well, am I getting a punishment later?"

"Yes."

He went out to do the yard work while I got some things done in the house. The evening went on with each of us showing more affection and getting past the tentativeness. When something happens, I always miss the affection, the attention from Him. I miss just being with Him. Not soon enough, Master gave me directions and sent me to the bedroom. I had to leave the tank top on, ankle and wrist cuffs, and my collar. When He was ready, He had me kneel and face the wall in the bedroom while He set the ropes up.

"Do you have anything to say."

Of course I did but I didn't want to; I was afraid of how He was going to react, what He'd think and say. I expressed this and He asked again. I told Him that I didn't understand why I was being punished. He said that I didn't do what He asked of me and I asked 'When?'

He continued with a sigh, ordered me to stand and applied the nipple clamps, and ordered me onto the bed, face down. As He tied me down, I just started to cry. I really didn't understand why but knew it was going to happen regardless, and the nipple clamps were pressing into my chest. After He was done, I heard Him open the medicine cabinet and walk back to the bed. He poured the warming liquid all over my back and down the backs of both my legs, pausing to rub it in. I almost began to panic and started to cry louder. I knew that it was going to hurt worse because of the oil.

"Why are you crying already?"

"Because I know it's going to hurt worse with the warming liquid Master."

"That's the point, this is an object lesson."

"But I still don't understand why I'm being punished!"

"Because you have not been listening, or behaving, as expected."

With that, He turned around, turned out the light, and left the room. I began to sob. Whenever He leaves me like that, I feel abandoned. I needed Him to be in there with me and I needed Him to punish me. I have no idea how long He left me there but I sobbed the entire time. Every thing hurt; my head, my heart, my soul...He returned and began to untie my wrists and ankles. I didn't understand. I apologized for ruining whatever He had planned. I thought that I had pissed Him off again because of telling Him the truth. I asked if He was going to punish me.

"This was your punishment - facing your demons alone."

I sobbed that it didn't work and that I didn't know how to get rid of them. He told me that I needed to figure that out myself. I just laid there and sobbed. I rolled onto my side and curled up into a ball. I can't describe what I felt but it was dark and painful. I just cried.

Eventually I asked if I could take the clamps off and was allowed. The pain was incredible with my one nipple turning dark on the tip. I just laid there and cried until there weren't any tears left and then I just laid on the bed. Master seemed to have lost some patience and walked into the doorway...

"Are you going to stay in here all night?"

I shook my head 'no' and laid there for a few more minutes. Slowly I got up, rinsed my face off, and rejoined Master out in the living room. It took some time but eventually I felt better and got back to being myself. As I got ready to go into bed, Master told me to get the massage stuff ready; I did so and waited for Him to come in. He walked in and stripped down to nothing and laid face down on the bed. I massaged His back, then His front. As I finished, Master told me to suck Him again. No argument here.

I sucked and licked and did all the things my Master likes. Soon enough, He was hard and throbbing in my mouth. "You may stop now. You're doing a good job but I know you're getting tired." By this time, it was coming up on midnight. I asked what He was going to do about "that" pointing at His hard cock. He told me not to worry about it and smiled.

"But master, You get blue balls...and so do I," I said with a sly smile.

"Well, get a condom and the lube. I'm going to fuck your ass."

Oh, yeah! You don't have to tell me twice. I got what he asked for and waited for Him. He order me onto the bed, pulling my pants and panties down as I crawled forward. I heard Him open the condom wrapper and soon felt the cold lube running down the crack of my ass. He slowly began to work the head of His cock into my ass. At first, it's always uncomfortable and usually hurts a bit. Master took His time working His cock in, laying His body down on top of mine. That always makes me feel dominated, owned, and protected. As He laid down, He slid further in and began to work back out and in again. Quickly, the pain subsided and the pleasure took over.

Holy shit I forgot how good anal sex feels...Mmmm! I began to push back into Him which brought out all the naughty things He whispers and growls into my ear...furthering my fall into space. I love to hear Him because He's the only thing I'm focused on; he's the only thing I can concentrate on. He started fucking my ass deeper and harder, eliciting moans and growls from deep inside me somewhere. To me, anal sex is always more raw and animalistic...so hot and passionate.

I was so far gone and just soaring as Master fucked me and used me. It was amazing - I was so turned on and so into what we were doing. It was fantastic! As He rammed into me, His smacked my ass and bit my shoulders and back, leaving me with nice little memories on my shoulders this morning. He scratched His nails up and down my hips and back and reached under my chest, grabbing and pinching my tits. He pulled my hair and used it as leverage. I was so incredibly turned-on and enjoying the wonderful feeling of having my ass fucked. It beings such a nice little smile to my face....

After Master came with a groan and growl, He rolled off of me. Unfortunately I'm hesitant about anal sex because it usually is bit messy but it doesn't bother either of us. He got up straight away, cleaned up, and started a shower for me. I could barely move, my mind was so far gone, my body wore out. I stumbled into the shower and cleaned off. I was so calm and content when I slid into bed and under the covers. My mind and body were finally at ease and relaxed. Master came in and joined me in bed. I snuggled up to Him and felt right back in my zone, my space.

We are just fine. All is good in my world again. My mind is clear and sharp. Master really does know me so well and always gives me exactly what I need.