A Failure

That's how I felt Saturday morning. It was very early and I found myself awake and feeling even worse than I did Friday night. After I got home Friday night, I was still upset. Earlier in the day, I had soaked in a bath tub. The past few days have been incredibly rough on me, and Master insisted that I take a hot bath. So, I did. I didn't take a shower and wash my hair. I soaked in the tub.

As the afternoon wore on, things needed to be handled around the house and I hadn't heard from Master about this party. So, I took care of things and had some things to do for work; I got the things done around the house and found myself rather grimey. I still hadn't heard from Master and it was about 6pm. He was going to be late and I had no way to leave the house: I couldn't.

So, I assumed (rather incorrectly, but not meaning any harm) that I wasn't going to make it. I threw my P.J.'s on and started on my work. I had make-up on from working during the day, I threw my hair into a pony tail and settled in on the couch. Master called and let me know that I had a half hour to be ready. This was not good. I was a mess with the make-up being the only thing going for me.

I had attended one of these 'ladies only' parties before and knew that they were informal. I really didn't think anything of the way I was dressed. Master hadn't told me what He wanted me to wear, although I do admit the ball cap was a bit too much. I freshened up my make-up after getting dressed.

When I'm in a hurry, I want to get going. I don't like being late for anything and was pacing, wanting for Master to get home. By time He was coming in the door, I was ready to head out. He kissed me and said, "Hello." I said hey back and asked where I was going. "Do you want to go?"

"Yes Master, I just need to know where I'm going." By this time, I wanted to be heading out the door and on my way. I hate being late.

I guess my being in a hurry translated into attitude. The next thing I know, He threw His keys at the couch and got very angry at me. I literally stood by the door and stared at Him with my mouth dropped open, trying in vain to figure out what the hell was going on. I stormed out and took off, driving way too fast but not really caring. I was pissed off and sobbing. I stopped down the street from the party and sat in my car, sobbing. I was embarrassed, especially because I knew Master was embarrassed. I didn't want to go. I called Him, asking Him how much I could spend, if anything. I also told Him that I was too embarrassed to go in because of the way I was dressed.

"Don't worry about it, you look ok. Go and have fun."

Then I came home and read what He had written. Apparently how I was dressed was not OK and it had embarrassed Him. As soon as I returned, he had to leave to handle a problem at work, so I sat and sobbed even harder in the chair as I read it. I was hurt terribly. If was dressed so badly, I shouldn't have been allowed to go. I didn't tell Him that the hostess was in sweats and a tee-shirt and everyone else was in jeans and tee-shirts.

I did tell Him that after He got home.

By this time, I was hurt and so very angry. I almost felt like He'd lied to me. There wasn't an ounce of respect in my voice. I laid right into Him. I'd been sliding for a few weeks with the argument being the straw that broke the camels back. The post was too much. I wanted to push Him, I wanted to be yelled at and made to submit. I wanted to be punished, I wanted to kneel and be reassured but He was too angry and annoyed with me. We argued more, going back and forth.

I was begging Him to stop. I can't take guilt trips, and that was how I took what He was saying. I had asked Him the other night in bed, where our Master/submissive relationship was suppose to fit with of each being so busy.

"It's everyday and all day. Don't worry about it, we'll talk more tomorrow."

Tomorrow never came for that conversation. And now I was being reassured in my thoughts that I was being too needy and too demanding. I'm asking too much. I made a mistake and was wrong and it turned into this.

He sent me too bed with a "Quit standing there, sit down, or do something, but don't stand there in the doorway." I whispered "sorry" and slipped into the bedroom. I curled up into a small ball and sobbed heavily into my pillow. I cried quietly so I wouldn't anger Him more. I didn't move when He came in and got into bed. I wanted to feel His arms around me just to reassure me that we'd be good again once we both settled down. I felt a million miles away from Him. He turned away and fell asleep.

How much more unslavely can I be? How much more of a failure can I be? I want to serve Him and I do that well for awhile until I screw up so miserably, we both ended up angry and asking 'why?'. It makes me wonder if I'm good enough for Him. I know I'm too needy. I wonder if I can "cut it" as He said last night. I know I can and I do. It's things like these arguments that make me wonder.

I'm hurt right now and I'm not sure of what to do. The past few days have been hard on me and Friday night made everything 100 times worse. I was left questioning myself even more than ever and questioning my abilities. Just a few days before, I was "doing a good job." Now, Master wants to know if I can "cut it." Friday night was the first time that I know of, that Master has been embarrassed of what I was dressed in. I'm very aware in how I present myself and I'm always looking my best. Had I known that He thought I should've been dressed better, I would've taken the time and effort to make myself more presentable. As I've always said, Master's opinion matters more than my own.

I came home from the party wanting to talk like Master said we would, but He had to leave. I wanted to talk, get past it, and wanted to spend time with Him. It turned into a complete disaster. At that time, I didn't know if we were okay. I didn't get an 'I love you too' the following morning as He left for work. I did get my kiss and it made me cry because all I want to do is love and serve Him. That's all I ever want to do.

I'm not sure what the fall out will be. I can only hope that He continues to be my Master. Even if He decides not to be, I'll still go to Him and ask His opinion and seek His guidance. That'll never stop.

We've suffered through worse but it always looks bleak when it's happening.