"Il faut souffrir pour etre belle"

"One must suffer for to be beautiful."

That's the literal translation of course.

I'm suffering now but there's no beauty in it nor do I feel beautiful. He's suffering now and there's no beauty in that either. I honestly thought that when I checked the blog this morning, something would already be here. But I was wrong...there was just nothing.

Things in our lives had been going fairly well except for small bumps, which are to be expected. No big deal. I was happy with the way things were. We never got back into the D/s aspect of our relationship. The pain in the bedroom never stopped because he's a sadist and I'm a masochist, that will probably never change. But the D/s had just faded away. We did have several heated conversations over it in January but nothing came of it.

Until last night...

We disagreed over the way something had been handled. He didn't approve of the way I had dealt with a situation but he wasn't going to change the outcome. We continued disagreeing about it and eventually got ourselves into an argument. He made a comment about how lax things had gotten and how he needed to reign things back in; this just sent me off the edge.

We sat down and talked about the argument that had happened and he wanted to know how I felt. That was settled and then we got to what was probably the real underlying issue all along; the fact that we really didn't have a D/s thing going at all and neither of us were happy.

He wants to continue but as I explained to him last night, I don't think I can do it anymore without something changing. All the pain and anger I had been holding back was shown and although I wasn't hateful, the way I felt hurt him. The fact that I can't keep trying to hold on to the D/s for both of us when life gets busy. The fact that I can't take the high I get from serving and pleasing him only to fall harder and harder each time because life has gotten in the way again and everything stops.

This has gone on for two years, this cycle that has done nothing but cause issues between us. I asked him how I was suppose to know that this time would be any different. I told him that I was scared to let myself be that vulnerable again only to be disappointed in the end. It always scared me that I was going to open myself up too much and he would also be scared that I depended on him so much. I would always feel so wonderful and close to him and life would cause a distance to appear and grow between us again.

I asked him if he thought that what was feeling was legit. I wanted to know if saw my side, saw the reasons why. He couldn't answer me, said that he couldn't tell me how to feel. I asked where we go from here and he said that we would just be an ordinary couple leading an ordinary life.

Now I feel like the distance between us now is greater than it ever has been and I don't know how to close it. He believes that I've already made my decision but I haven't. He's going off of that assumption. I am submissive to my core. Always have been and always will be. It's something that I cannot change. He dominant and always will be; I would never ask him to change.

So, where do we go from here? Neither of us is happy. There is a feeling of relief on my part because I'd been holding so much in. I'm still madly in love with him. I still get excited when I hear him pull into the driveway. I still smile when I answer the phone and it's his voice on the other end. I look into his eyes and can still see my future. I still feel safe and protected from the world when he holds me. He can make my entire world disappear by looking at me the right way or saying the right things.

Maybe the best solution is to start over again. Perhaps we should both just let go of what has happened in the past and start anew. We should throw out the old expectations and rules and create a set that fits our lives as they stand now. A lot of changes have happened in the past three years; inevitably, we've both grown and changed and maybe the structure needs to change with it. A lot of changes will come our way in the next couple of years and things may need to change again. So maybe that's the answer. If not the answer, maybe it's the start we need to get back to place where we are both happy again.

I'm submissive and without someone to guide me, I'm about as good as a boat out of water.