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He says that He can't change me and yet He already has.

He has held me up and helped me find strength that I didn't know existed within me. He's softened me in many ways. I carry myself with more esteem and worth. Knowing that He finds me sexy makes me feel amazing no matter what I say. It's just that I can't see what He sees. The changes have mostly been on the inside but they were begging to come out, like a blooming flower; emerging slowly but confidently.

I needed a punishment and have needed one for a couple of days. I wanted to ask for one but the bag had already been put away and getting it back out wasn't an option. You said that I got my punishment and I accepted it, but it wasn't enough. I needed the release, I needed the pain. I still carry the burden of guilt and I know that's it's on Your mind.

The need to be hurt right now is enough to make me hurt. I'm kneeling before You and waiting for You to say the right set of words to set the ball in motion.

Please don't ever question my wanting to serve You. You know how I feel about that. You crossed limits that I had expressed and did so without asking (I didn't expect you to *smiles*). I'd never felt more owned and loved.

I find myself in an almost constant state of submission these days. Along with that comes vulnerability because we aren't together.

Disappointment

Yesterday, I was at home trying to get some work done in my office. I have been frantically trying to track down a used or re-built computer for my vehicle. The dealer wants an un-Godly amount for a new one. It's almost half what I paid for the vehicle and I won't spend that much. I had given Llama instructions on Saturday to get on the phone first thing Monday morning and call all the salvage yards near her home to assist me in locating one.

I hadn't talked to her during the day Monday, since I was pretty tied up with work. When I did finally talk to her Monday evening, I asked if she had done as instructed. She told me that she hadn't, saying that she didn't think it needed to be done right away. I was instantly upset. I didn't lose my temper with her, but she knew from the tone of my voice I was angry. The tone didn't have to last long in her assumptions when I told her that I was upset with her failing to complete a task I had set forth for her.

She made a feeble attempt to explain that she had been tied up doing other things. While I realize that she has other obligations in her life, I was very disappointed at her total lack to even attempt to carry out my instructions. As I spoke to her, she got emotional and very upset. Partly because I was unhappy with her, but partly because she knew she failed me.

I then gave her the same set of instructions and made it very clear to her to carry them out first thing Tuesday morning, and to call me with the results of her search. My phone rang around 10:30, telling me that she had in fact found one. The details after that are not really important to this post. What is important is the conversation that followed.

She realized the error of her ways, and I was more than clear in telling her what would happen to her should she fail me again in any task I set out for her, without a damned good reason. I then informed her that she would be corrected for this error, this correction will come in the form of a punishment that I will deliver to her within the next week or 2. Sadly, as I have said before, our working schedules and living arrangements at the current time do not always afford us the luxury of being together when we would like to be. So, she will have to wait and think about what will befall her. With some luck, and some planning and the right timing, I hope to have her in a position in the near future where she will be residing much closer to me. This will allow me better control over her in a day-to-day basis instead of the randomness that we now must endure.

Beyond that, she knows how much I care for her. I love her and trust her completely. She is still early on in her training, and I expect a certain amount of misteps and mistakes from her. This, she knows. She also knows that for each of these, there will be repercussions. In time, I anticipate a fine submissive to share my life with, in all ways. She is very nervous about making these mistakes, and strives to please me - and for the most part, she does so. She learned a valuable lesson the other night. Next week, she will have that lesson reinforced with discipline. Something that she has been lacking in lately, mostly due to time and distance. Part of this is my fault, but a great deal of it right now can't be avoided. Sometimes, to get to where you want to be, you must take a path that is not the shortest distance between two points.

"I'm on my knees, confessing, that I feel myself surrender, each time I see your face..."

Master has been very good to me the past few days. I'm dealing with some stress in my life and everything seemed to come out last night.

All the self doubt I carry, all my guilt about things I can't control, my demons basically came out for a field day. And I always tend to be harder on myself. No punishment that He could ever give me would be worse than what I do to myself on the inside. The harder I'm reprimanded and punished, the harder I am on myself because I've screwed up and made someone upset. Although I do have problems with self-esteem, they rarely get that out of hand. These are irrational feelings that Master doesn't understand. I don't understand them myself sometimes. Last night was one of these times.

We finished talking and I got offline, only to hop back on and ask Him to please call me if it wasn't too much trouble. I didn't get a response and wasn't sure if He'd seen it. I went about getting ready for bed as instructed. I was surprised when my phone rang.

He said that He didn't understand these doubts I have about myself, why I always second guess myself. He told me that I was already a wonderful woman and was on my way to being a wonderful submissive. I know that Him hearing me say things about doubting myself, hurts Him. They are irrational on most levels.

At some point, He thought I was doubting He and His abilities. I've only doubted Him a couple times and those times did not involve our D/s relationship. I've never doubted His abilities to be my Master...I know that He can be and is an amazing Master. I doubt myself.

And I know that from know on, this self-doubt and these esteem issues will carry a punishment. Perhaps it's what I need to stop my demons...I can't stop them myself. That's why I have Him. I know He has faith in me and never fails to tell me. It feels good to hear things like that. I never heard them enough before, but I think I can get use to it.

Today was a better day and I'm back to being me. Generally happy but nevertheless worried about something. That, too, will take me time. That'll be a hard habit to break. Although, when I'm with you, I don't have to worry because I know that You'll take care of me. My esteem will rise because I know that I'm loved and treasured. I love you Master.