Not quite but I'm working on it....

While I wish I had achieved my State of Grace, I haven't; but I'm working on it everyday, every hour.

As Master said, I found some more time to spend with Him and I knew that I would be receiving one, if not both of my punishments. I didn't know He had prepared anything by way of pleasure for me. Anyways, my daily dress is fairly conservative. When Master told me to prepare myself and look like a whore, my heart fluttered and I smiled. I knew what I was going to wear immediately and set about getting ready. Some time back, I was instructed to buy a very short skirt and it being winter, it took a bit of effort but I found it. I would dare not wear it out in public; with my thigh highs on, you can see the top of them and the clips of the garter belt. When I dress like that, I feel so much power and I even walk differently- no, I strut.

As I finished, I walked out to Him and stood in front of Him. I could tell I pleased Him from the smirk that spread across his face. He pointed to my spot and I knelt down, quite proud of myself. Soon, I felt my collar around my neck and the butterflies in my stomach. I imagined that I would be receiving my second punishment this evening and began to mentally prepare for it. Cuffs were soon handed to me and I silently put them on; Master then hooked a leash to the front of my collar. This is new. As much I hated to admit it to myself, that excited me. I took and deep breath and swallowed the shudder I felt coming on. He stood and lead me into the dungeon.

He lead me to the spot and turned me around, facing him, and kissed me gently, touching my face. Damn, I love Him. He went about securing me, placing the ball gag in my mouth, and lastly the blindfold. I was so nervous at this point, my mind racing, not knowing what was coming to me. I felt His face close to mine, his nose against my own. He whispered in my ear that tonight was not for punishment, but for pleasure. I breathed a deep sigh of relief and let my worries go.

He began to work on me slowly, warming me up. I could feel my body and mind beginning to give in. All my worries, stress, and fears slowly faded away and I was drawn into the present. I could only focus on the music and what He was doing to me. Eventually, the music faded away too and I was soaring. It was my first trip to subspace and I loved every single moment. I could not believe what I feeling and experiencing. It felt so amazing that I really can't describe it in words. Thinking about it now, takes my breath away.

Master described what He did- which is good because I don't remember exact things, only what I felt, what He whispered in my ears, feeling Him near me, touching me. I wanted no more than to beg Him to take me right there and then. I needed to feel Him in me, on top of me, but the gag prevented that. He just continued on, sending me deeper and deeper into space. When He stopped, I wanted to beg Him to continue but even after the gag was removed, I couldn't say anything. He let me down slowly, knowing that there was no way I could stand on my own. He held me up while gently releasing my other wrist from above. I wrapped my arms around him so tightly, not wanting to move. I needed to feel Him around me at that point. I needed to know He was there and with me. At one point, He asked if I was able to stand yet and I shook my head 'no.' I wasn't ready to move yet. I just needed to stay in that moment for a bit longer.

After a few more minutes, I could feel my strength returning to my legs and He lead me into the house once again and into His bedroom. I was still up at this point. As He said, He worked on me in the room and sent me off once again. I was a cross country runner back in the day and had experienced "runners highs." This high beat them; I warned Him with a smile, that those trips could become quite addicting if He wasn't careful.

I have honestly never felt more loved and protected. It was amazing.

The next afternoon, I was sent again into space by different means. I wanted to be fucked and used by Him. I can remember begging Him to fuck me and use me like the slut I was. I begged him to hurt me at one point. I needed it, I needed to feel His power over me. It was down right dirty and I thoroughly enjoy every second of it. I remember just moaning and crying out. The angle at which He was at in my ass, caused Him to hit my G-spot repeatedly. I could not believe how great it felt. He fucked me like a little slut, pulling my hair, forcing my face down into the pillow, His hand around my neck at times, pushing me down into the bed.

He leaned over and growled in my ear, "You're enjoying this aren't you, you little slut?"

With the breath I could catch, I moaned, "Yes, Master."

The questions continued: "Who owns you?" "Who owns this ass?"

Thank God they weren't hard questions because I couldn't have put a logical sentence together to save my dear life. When we were done, He rolled off of me and laid next to me, just as spent as I was. He urged me to get closer to Him and buried my face in His shoulder. I managed to say, "I love you Master" before He got up to clean off. It took me some time to come back out of space and I actually spent a few hours there. We had an errand to run and at one point I was just staring out the window of His car- He reached over and snapped His fingers quite close to my face. I turned to Him and I knew what my face said. He asked if I was ok to which I responded 'yes' and He just smiled. He knew I was still out there a bit.

As He also posted, I received my last 2 punishment simultaneously. I was a mess before He even started. After He finished, He unbound my wrists and ankles and laid down next to. He took me in His arms while I sobbed.

"It's over Llama. I still love you very much and you are forgiven."

I cried harder. I was so happy that He had forgiven me but also upset because I hadn't forgiven myself. After a few minutes, He got up and told me to take my time and come out to Him when I had composed myself. I wiped off my face with a cool rag but couldn't stop crying. All I could see was the look of disappointment on His face and knew that I deserved it. I went out and took my spot next to Him on the floor. He asked me what was wrong and I didn't know how to tell Him. Somehow I managed to say that I hadn't forgiven myself and didn't know how.

"You've got to find a way because as far as I'm concerned, the matter is finished and over with. It'll never be brought back up again," He spoke.

Growing up, nothing was ever forgiven and forgotten. There are things that I did years ago and I'm still reminded that I fucked up to this day. I never learned how to forgive myself. Somehow, I found the peace within myself and did forgive myself. We all make mistakes and the real tragedy is when we don't learn and grow from them. I'll never be able to lie to Him again and never intended to do so in the first place.

I really do see nothing but good things in the future for us. My love for Him continues to grow deeper and deeper everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could be with Him all of the time and let our relationship grow and blossom. I'm surprised at the changes I've noticed in myself since the beginning of our relationship. I find myself becoming more confident and outgoing. I've been more comfortable in my own skin.

And I'm in love with an amazing Man. I'm proud that I can call Him my Master.

I love you very much Master, more so than you'll ever know.

State of Grace

The other day, Llama finally made the time to spend with me. We enjoyed a couple days of very intense scenes. The first couple, were strictly play and for pleasure. That was a lot of fun, and I am pretty sure more for her than me.

One such scene found the Llama in my new garage-made dungeon. I had her spend an hour to prepare herself beforehand. She came out into the living room to present herself to me as she had been instructed. She did a superb job. She stood before me wearing a black corset, garter belt and black thigh-highs, spike heels, her hair and make-up done to look like a whore. She was a vision to behold. She took her place on her knees next to me on the floor and waited. I put her collar on her, along with a leash. I then handed her the wrist and ankle cuffs, and had her put them on herself. After a few minutes, I took her by the leash and led her into the garage / dungeon I had prepared while she was getting ready. I had the windows covered over, a rack built on the floor and chains hanging from the ceiling in which to secure her.

I chose to leave her standing, and secured her wrists to the overhead chains. I then applied the spreader bar to her ankles. She was effectively immobile. I then began to work on her. Blindfold and ball gag, then opened the corset and applied the nipple clamps. In between all of it, I paused to take pictures of my lovely and my handiwork. I then turned the collar around, ran the leash done her back and between her legs and up the front, between her breasts and secured it through the collar again to a clip attached to the chain between the nipple clamps, nicely pulling her nipples up and out. She moaned in pleasure. All the while, I was touching, slapping, and pinching her all over. It was then time to get down to business. I started working on her with a small, rubberized cat-o-nines. All over I used it on her, breasts, arms, chest, stomach, legs, thighs, ass - everywhere I randomly struck her with just enough force to elicit groans of pleasure from around the ball gag. After a while, I switched to a paddle, and did the dame thing with it. Just enough force for pleasure, and light pain. She was moaning in pleasure and swaying against the restraints, which was not much since she was securely fastened.

I kept up the pace and the random strikes, then I placed clothes pins on her labia around the sides of the leash running between her legs. She groaned and shivered. I continued on with the paddling, all over her lovely body and with just the right amount of force. Her head started to go back, the moans increased and then she started to shake and tense up. She was in space, and loving it. I continued on for a few minutes, letting her fully enjoy being in sub-space. I let off on her, and began to remove her from the restraints. I held her for several minutes, letting her get her feet back under her. Then, after a few minutes, I slowly led her back inside the house and into the bedroom. I began to work on her in the bed, slowly at first, then with increasing vigor. Before she knew what hit her, she was right back in space. I watched as her eyes rolled back in her head, her mouth dropped open, and she moaned loudly with pleasure. After an hour or so, we both were spent and dreamily fell off to sleep.

The next day, we had a bit of an interlude - a nooner you might say. It was quite un-planned and spontaneous. She came into the bedroom to give me a back rub, since I had twisted something earlier. It started with a back rub, then an all over body massage, then she asked if she could take me in her mouth and pleasure me. Of course I allowed her to serve me, and she expertly worked me into a frenzy. She begged me to take her, she was feeling very, very horny. It sounded like a wonderful idea, and began to roll over and climb on top of her. She then made a request. "Master, please take me in my ass........ please!" she begged me. How could I refuse? Some lubricant and a condom and we were in business. Soon, I was plowing into her, the whole time, she was crying out, begging me to go harder, deeper and faster. She began to grunt, and the filthy words began to flow freeling from her mouth. She asked me to fuck her like the whore she was, take her, and use her for my pleasure. She begged me to hurt her. Soon, I was pounding her with all I had, pulling her hair and pulling on her breasts. About the time I was ready to cum, she let out one final moan of pleasure. It was over and we lay there, totally spent and satisfied. After a while, we got up and cleaned up, and went about the rest of the day.

The next night, it was time to get down to business. She had 2 punishments ahead of her, and I decided to combine them into one and get them out of the way. I ordered her into the bedroom, to strip down to her panties and to lay face down on the bad. Once she was ready, I secured her, spread eagle to the bed and asked if she had anything to say before her final rounds of punishments began. She was already crying, and said she was sorry for hurting me, letting me down, and sorry that this was necessary.

Her final punishments consisted of 100 lashes. 50 with the real, big-ass and serious cat-o-nines and the 2nd 50 with a cane. I told her to get ready and waited for her to relax just a bit. Then I began. I laid the 1st 50 on her in a slow, steady rhythm - and a fair amount of force. Certainly not as hard as I could. By the time the 1st 50 was done, she was crying, a steady stream of tears streaming down her face and onto the pillows. I gave her a couple minutes to get over the 1st half, then I set into the 2nd half. She was writhing 10 strokes in, and by the time the 50 were done, she was screaming and begging for me to stop. I undid her restraints, and pulled her to me, holding her close on the bed. I held her for a long time, stroking her hair, and kissing her forehead. I assured her I loved her, and that she was now forgiven for her mistakes. It would be the last time we talked about it, and as far as I was concerned - it was over. She was still crying, and told me she didn't know how to forgive herself. I told her she would have to find out a way to do so, because I didn't want to continue to dwell on this. After a few minutes more, she had her feet again under her and we set about to watching some TV and getting on with our evening alone.

By the next day, she confided in me that she was glad it was over, that she had forgiven herself, and she thanked me for allowing her the chance to prove herself to me. I assured her, the pleasure was mine, and I was very glad she wanted to continue to be in my service. Soon, we had moved past this incident all together and I have a feeling things will be much better in the future.

Upcoming events

This weekend should prove interesting. Llama will be with me for a few days of rest, relaxation, play and punishment. She has 2 such punishments awaiting her and one, if not both, will be administered within the next couple days. She is not looking forward to them, as you might well imagine. However, I also have a few tricks up my sleeve.

I have done some building and with some serious imagination, have begun to convert my garage into a break-down dungeon. She is aware that I have been working on some stuff for and in the garage, but she doesn't know what yet. She is in for quite a little surprise. At first, she will hate it, because it will be used for her punishments. After this, I think she will come to enjoy it - seeing as how I have conjured up a few lovely little things specifically designed for her pleasure.

I will be sure to let you all know how the next few days go. All this should begin sometime tomorrow evening.