"Desire and hunger is the fire I breathe."

Because The Night 10,000 Maniacs

We've once again, been bad bloggers. But there is a rather good reason behind all of this: Master has had some time off and we've been spending those days off, together. We've been going out with friends, doing things around the house, and just enjoying being with each other.

There has been some play lately too. One night found me face down on the bed, getting spanked with a few of Master's favorite implements before He fucked my ass long and deep. I love having my ass fucked and it had been so long since He'd taken it. I was so ready when He started pushing against me that I pushed my hips back and the head of His cock just slid into me. I'm getting flushed just thinking about it! He nibbled and bit my back and shoulders, leaving a few light bruises for us to admire.

Last night, we had settled in to watch a movie and somehow got onto the subject of knots. Master knows how to tie many different knots and secure my happy slave self down to the bed. We had been in a home improvement store earlier in the week and purchased some thick, black rope that I fell in love with as soon as I had seen it. Well, Master decided to tie a noose. It looked so pretty when He was done and I was so turned on by it.

We both took showers to freshen up after a long, warm day and for me to try and relax. It had been one of those days where nothing went right for me so I was rather frustrated by evening. After Master had finished His shower, He laid on our bed and told me that I was only allowed to lick His cock from the bottom of His shaft down. So, I licked Him around His shaft and balls, down to His ass. This couldn't go without me doing something wrong; While I was licking around His balls, I obviously struck a nerve and Master tensed up and yelled out. His face showed His pain as He rubbed, trying to get the pain to stop.

I couldn't win.

Master eventually let me start licking Him, then sucking Him again. We switched positions and He went down on me which I absolutely love!! I tell Him that He has the most talented tongue in the world. However, I couldn't relax enough to fully enjoy it. Usually it takes Him less than a minute to make me cum with the tongue of His but my mind wasn't with my body. I felt bad when He stopped, knowing that He was disappointed.

He stood up and slid the noose around my neck, taking my collar off at the same time. He climbed up my body and slid into me with ease, slowly fucking me. It was a different feeling having such a tightness around my neck the entire time He fucked me. He felt so good being in me but my mind refused to let go of everything. I was on the edge of cumming and sliding into subspace and my mind wouldn't let go.

I was so angry with myself afterwards. Master thought that He'd cum too soon, which He didn't. It was all me and my mind. My body responded and I desperately wanted to respond with it but wouldn't. I felt so guilty as we laid down to sleep that all I wanted to do was cry in His arms and confess.

I haven't been the best slave lately at all. Master tries to give me what I need and all I do in return is get an attitude with Him. We end up yelling at each other and wasting the little time He has free, angry. I'm questioning myself now. It's not Master, it's me. I want so much to get back to that place where I'm open, feminine, soft, obedient, just myself. It just seems like everytime I get back to that place, something happens. Usually I've done something wrong, Master explodes at me, and I close myself back up tighter than before.

I know Master loves owning me and that before we met, it was having a slave that He missed in His life. It was a void that I filled. I refuse to take that away, especially when I know it's what I need in my life as well. We've also never been without M/s in our relationship. I don't want to be without it. I need it, I crave it, I desire it. I've never been so happy in all of my life.

I just don't know why I'm questioning myself. I really don't understand. I need to get off of here and get some work done. I just hope I can find the want to do the work.

We're Still Here

I had written a post about what happened when Master did eventually beat me. It didn't get published which is probably a good thing because it got really rough and very ugly.

A few nights later Master decided that I was going to get the rest of my beating; it was time to tear down the walls that I had built up. And beat me He did. The pain was incredible and I just sobbed and screamed into the bed. I was tied down for this beating so I couldn't squirm away like I did with the first.

When He finished beating me, He tried to make love to me and ended up using me because I was so far gone. I couldn't look Him in the eyes because I felt so disgusting. I just laid there while He fucked me, thinking every second that I didn't deserve any of it. Ugly doesn't quite describe it.

Afterwards, I laid on the bed and sobbed for a long time. Master went out, got a drink, and watched television. Some time passed before I got up and joined Him in the living room. I can't tell you what happened after that really. We ended up going to bed at the same time where He took me savagely.

Biting, pulling, slapping, rough sex. I felt a lot better after that and finally my mind was cleared.

Since then, things have quieted down again. I was on my period soon after and had a medical procedure and can't have sex for about another week. Master has been working quite a bit so play and sex have taken a back seat.

That's it for now, Master just wanted me to update.

Steps Forward

Master and I discussed my last blog post. I told Him that I still wanted to be submissive to Him. I always want to belong to Him. I just feel like I'm asking for too much from Master as busy as He is to begin with. He assured me that I wasn't asking for too much or taking up too much time. But my wanting to make life easier for Him as His slave, I felt that if I was released, it'd be one less thing to have to worry about, one less thing to have to make time for.

Last night, something interesting happened. Master got home from work very late. He had told me earlier in the evening that I had a paddling coming. I thought, "Oh thank God, I need the release, I need to let go of everything."

Well, that's not what happened. Oh, I got a spanking/paddling but the desired result wasn't achieved. As He paddled or spanked me, I became more and more angry; almost to the point of wanting to explode at Him. I became very aware that over the past month or so that I have built up a wall around me again. I did it out of necessity, to protect myself from being disappointed, protect myself from Master being angry at me for something.

And I had no idea this had happened.

When Master and I first started our relationship, He had quite a few tough walls to break through before He got to my core being. After the paddling, He fucked me but I was too angry to really get into it. He got up to clean up and get some water, I got up and got into some sweats. We laid down but I was so far from being tired that sleep was foreign. The rage within me just boiled up. Master had fallen asleep which is probably a good thing because it would've been ugly had He asked me what was wrong.

All I could think about was making Him feel like I have; unwanted, not good enough, angry, depressed, hurt, and confused. But what good would come of that? I eventually got up out of bed and watched some television in the living room. I needed to calm way down before sleep became an option. After about 20 minutes, I got myself back under control and went back to bed.

I sighed and wondered what was wrong with me as I laid there drifting off to sleep. I love Master but I've gotten back to protecting and taking care of myself again. It's almost like we'll have to go back to the beginning again and start all over. I doubt that it'll take very long before we'll be able to work back to being Master and slave, back to the way things were.

And a note of thanks to Taylor and Padme. Thank you for your comments because I honestly thought I was alone on my feelings. I appreciated them more than you know...thank you!

Life gets in the way - again

Yes, we've hit a bit of a rough patch. Mainly, it all stems from the lack of time I have to spend at home these days, and the time I have to devote to llama, especially playing. I need to find the time to reconnect. Somehow, someway, I will make the time, if she's still interested in it. I have been working a lot lately, and that's not likely to change anytime soon.

Taylor - thanks for the wonderful comments. I certainly agree with your assumptions. I absolutely feel she is worthy of everything, including all the love I have for her. She has not failed me, and she works everyday to get better.

Padme - thanks to you as well. Your suggestion is a good one, and I would like to try something along those lines.

When llama wrote that, she was hurt, confused, angry, and very emotional. All to be expected and completely understandable. She was afraid to write it, and afraid to post it. In fact, she told me she had written it, and thought of deleting it. I told her not to, that I wanted to read it, then I posted it for her.

She was worried that I would get angry with her for the way she was thinking. I assured her, I was not angry at her. If anything, I was angry at myself for allowing things to go this far without addressing it.

The long hours, coupled with lack of sleep has made me irritable and grouchy - something I don't like being, and certainly don't like bringing home and taking out on her for no good reason; like snapping at her before the concert in front of friends. That's not usually how I act, and not the way I normally treat her.

One thing she said has stuck with me. It really made me stop and think and re-evaluate the way things are progressing. She said in her last post, "I also don't know that I feel like being a slave anymore." I have asked her about this when we talked. She is not sure of her feelings right now. I have told her I need to know if she no longer wishes to be my slave - as it will obviously affect our relationship and our lives.

I guess all I can do right now is wait for her to sort through her feelings and decide if she still wishes to be owned, or if she wishes to be released.

Confusion

Well, I have returned from my trip. It was relaxing overall but I wish that Master would've been able to have come with me. I had a good time but there was a bit of loneliness with me all weekend. I honestly thought about not going because we haven't had a lot of alone time lately and I'm getting desperate and greedy for any moment.

One night last week before I left, I was feeling so low. Master has been working at least ninety hours a week and when He was home, there was always things that needed to be done around the house or things done on His computer. I didn't feel like He desired me anymore; we talked about it before I left and we made love. It was so beautiful and so tender that I almost cried afterwards.

Before my trip had come up, Master bought tickets to a concert. Some friends of ours had tickets as well. A couple of friends from out of town were coming to our house to ride with us. They were going to be at the house at any moment. I hurried up and was getting out of the shower when they arrived. Master snapped at me a few times in front of two of His friends. I felt like a child. He snapped at me when I didn't want to decide where to stop for a quick bite to eat even though He knew long ago that I don't like making decisions. He made a comment to His buddies that women never listen.

That hurt, a lot. It pushed me out of whatever subspace there was left. I stayed fairly quiet for the rest of the night, just sticking to joking with friends in between songs and acts. There have been times when I don't know what to say to Master, that nothing I say is right. There have been times when He's asked me what was wrong, and after telling Him, He's gotten angry and we've argued. So, I kept it inside.

That in and of itself makes me feel guilty but writing this out makes me feel worse. Master doesn't work all the hours for fun and it seems like my feeling this way is all wrong. I'm so confused and I'm hurting inside but I don't know what to do about it. I'm scared that when Master reads this, He'll blow a gasket. I also don't know that I feel like being a slave anymore. I don't want to get back into space only to fall out of it again and keep falling like I have.

I'm sobbing as I write this. No matter what perspective I look at the situation in, it hurts and I feel extremely guilty. I don't know how to feel about this anymore. I've lost count of the nights I've cried myself to sleep, Master being home some of them. I feel like I've failed miserably and that nothing I do is right.

I'm also questioning my submission. I know Master loves me and wants to own me but I don't know that I'm good enough for Him. A good slave wouldn't feel like this and would be able to accept it and move on. I, however, am hopelessly stuck.

I love my Master, more than I love myself. I want to be submissive to Him always and couldn't live without Him but is there time in our busy lives anymore to live a full blown M/s lifestyle? The dynamics are changing and I don't know how to handle it all.

Master-

I love you more than life itself but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm confused, hurting, and guilt-ridden for feeling the way I do. You have no idea how thankful I am for all that you've done for me, more than my own family ever did. I love that you work so hard to provide me with everything I have. I just don't know how to handle this and I've been too afraid to ask for help. You have enough to deal with without me adding to it all. Please help me find my balance, find our balance again...

llama

Peace & Quiet?

It seems weird. llama left yesterday for the weekend for a family get-together over the holiday weekend. I was unable to go, because of my work schedule and obligations. It seems very weird to come home to an empty house, and knowing that she won't be home until Tuesday.

Don't worry - I've found plenty of little projects around the house to keep myself busy while she is gone.

Ciao!