As I Kneel...(Anticipation)

As I kneel...

I close my eyes. There's nothing to look at but the floor. I will not look up until You tell me that I can. I can feel the carpet on my knees, hear every little sound, my hands folded and facing up in my lap, ready to accept You. My breathing has slowed and I've settled into my place. You have the power to bring me to here and now; make me focus on one thing and that is You.

As I kneel, I wonder what You're going to do to me or make me do. I dare not ask, You'll tell me just what to do and when to do it. I will do it without question or hesitation. Even with so much power over me, I know that You'll let nothing hurt me.

As I kneel, I sense you enter the room and yet I do not move. My breathing quickens with the sudden rush of anticipation. I feel your every movement without seeing. You walk behind me and grab my hair, pulling head back with authority and yet without pain. You gently kiss my forehead and I smile. Even in demanding, You're are still gentle and careful, watching every move, making sure of me.

As I kneel, the blindfold slips over my eyes and I hear everything, feel everything, smell everything. In taking my sight away, You've given so much back. I have no reason to see because I trust You fully. But there are times that I want to look You in Your eyes; You can have more power over me that way than in blindfolding me.

As I kneel, I wait in anticipation knowing that You have all control over me. You will play me like a violin and I will please you just as music pleases the ear. You're talented in this way. Just as You know how to play me, I know how to play you. I know what my Master expects of me and always try and give You more than I give myself. I always seek to please you first. And in this, Your power still reigns and envelopes me.

And sometimes, the anticipation of You is enough. But I always crave more...and will always beg for it...

As I kneel...

"Sweet love of mine"

GNR "Sweet Child of Mine"

I've come to love that song a lot. I loved it before but know it seems to carry more meaning. I'm sure I'm going to wear out the CD. Hee hee hee.

Master and I did a lot of talking last night over the phone. We discussed many things including one my fantasies. One of my fantasies is to be raped. Cosmo (yes, I'm an avid reader) says that the percentage of women who have this fantasy is very small but I would beg to differ. They may not have it to the extent that I do but I'd wager that a lot of women have the fantasy in some aspect or another.

Well, we began talking about it He asked about different aspects of it, how I'd want things to be done and such. I told Him that I'd want Him to come in at some random point and start dragging me to the bedroom and telling me what He was going to do to me. Now, here's the fun part. He asked how and I replied that He'd need to do it by any means necessary because part of it is my fighting back. The harder I fight back, that more I need Him to assert His power over me. I told Him that He'd probably drag me kicking and screaming at this point, begging Him to stop but really wanting Him to keep going. He'd also have to try and get my clothing off by any means, including just ripping or cutting them off.

He told me to go on. I told Him that once we got into the room, I would continue fighting and He'd probably throw me around a bit. To control me, He'd have to hold me down or restrain me somehow. I would just fight harder, making Him work to control me. I just want and to feel that power over me.

Going deeper into the fantasy, He asked if I would want to be hit and my answer was, "Yes Master."

"Do you want Me to slap your face, your tits, smack your mouth, hurt you?"

"Yes Master."

I want Him to smack me, bite me, bruise me, use His belt on me. Part of this fantasy is being physically hurt. As we talked about this, the tone of my voice changed to more of a purr and I could feel myself becoming aroused just thinking about it and hearing His voice. Just hearing His voice can be enough to calm me down, rev me up, or put me straight into space some days. I love the sound of His voice, can't ya tell?

And He could tell that this was exciting me and asked me if I was getting wet. I was squirming by now. He asked what else I wanted to be done. I told Him that I wanted Him to use me however He saw fit. I want Him to fuck my mouth, my tits, my pussy, my ass. I want Him to cum in my ass, on my ass, in my pussy, in my mouth, anywhere He wanted. While doing this, I want Him to slap me, hit me, feel His hand around my throat. I want Him to growl in my ear and tell me what a slut I am, how I'm just a little whore around to please His every need.

By this time, I was a complete mess. I'm under standing orders of no masturbation without permission from Him.

"Do you want to masturbate slave?"

"Yes Master, please"

"Please what?"

"Please let me masturbate Master, please allow me to have a release"

"Beg for it"

I began to beg but not good enough. "Is that the best you can do?"

So I continued begging Him, begging Him to let me masturbate. "What do you plan on doing? Tell me."

"I want to play with my clit and fuck my pussy with my fingers. I want to cum for You."

"You want to use your new toy don't you?"

*My new toy is an 8 1/2 inch, purple, veined dildo. It's a gorgeous sight to behold and it's my favorite color. Damn. And it's been sitting in my closet since last weekend, only having been in my mouth*

"Yes Master, I want to use my new toy," I purred.

"Well, what do you want to do with it?"

"I want to fuck my pussy with my dildo and I want to stroke my clit. I want to play with my plug Master. Please let me masturbate Master"

At this point, I could almost hear the smirk over the phone. I knew this is what He wanted and hell, I wanted this too.

"Get your toy out and fuck yourself. I want to hear you cum."

Twist my arm. I got my new toy out and dropped my robe to the floor and laid back on my bed. He had me describe to Him what I was doing to myself. He began to tell me what He was going to do to me and just hearing the authority in His voice turned me on, and what He was describing was slowly pushing me over the edge.

"You want me to hurt you don't you?"

"Yes Master"

"Why? Why do you want me to hurt you?"

"Because it feels soo good Master?"

"You want me to humiliate you don't you?"

"God yes Master," I choked out

"You want me to use you and fuck you. You want me to fuck your pussy, flip you over, and fuck your ass? You want me to hurt you don't you? You want me to fuck you and listen to you scream, don't you? I'm gonna fuck you and make you scream."

Oh. My. God. I had never needed Him here more than I did at that very moment. I wanted to feel Him on top of me, making me His. Fucking me and slapping my ass, making me say that I was His whore, His little slut.

Eventually, I was moaning into the phone, breathing heavily, and fucking myself hard. "Cum for me, I wanna hear you cum slut."

That did it. Over the edge I fell. I came hard, moaning loudly, and crying out into my empty room. Coming back down took a few minutes, we said our goodnights, and headed off our separate ways for the evening. I laid and could feel myself slowly coming back. I felt damn good. Then came the tears. I sobbed loudly for a good 5 or 10 minutes. Some people may find this incredibly odd but let me explain. That orgasm was a catharsis. All my fear, stress, worries, anger came flooding out. And on top of it all, my Master wasn't here to hold me and reassure me. I suddenly found myself very lonely.

I regained some composure and stumbled to the shower. I was a mess (*grins*) and needed to rinse off before laying down to sleep. The shower helped me come back down and regain all my composure.

My having this rape fantasy is somewhat odd. I'd been a victim of sexual assault before where my safeword was completely ignored and even laughed at. Master knows all the details and I had a hard time telling Him at first but He wanted to know and I needed Him to know. If I did not fully trust my Master, I wouldn't be able to have this fantasy, wouldn't allow Him to actually think about doing it, and allow His planning it out. There's a chance that it will be too much for me to handle and I know I can use my safeword and He'll respect it. I really do not foresee it being a problem. I've placed my life in His hands before and He's never made me question that choice.

Sitting here and typing about it has my little mind racing along at the speed of light. My fantasy is probably a lot more involved than some. Hee hee hee, what can I say?

Welcome to my deviant little mind!

"And so it is, just like you said it would be"

This title is from on of my favorite songs by Damien Rice. I started this post at the end of March and ended up typing it in a Word document but what I wrote will not be posted on here today, nor will it ever be posted. There's no need to anymore.

Master and I are working on the logistics of our relationship and I must say that it is causing strain on the two of us. There are times that I wonder about the amount of strain. Relationships, like most things in life, can only stand so much before they begin to bend and break. Master knows that I fear this; I fear that I'm causing Him more strain and stress than He needs right now. I'm always very open with Him in how I feel about things. I cannot hide anything from Master. It's impossible anymore. He hears it all.

However, with this comes the feeling of being too open and too needy. There are times when I feel like I'm annoying Him with all the mundane happenings of my life, as well as with all the stresses I'm trying to deal with. This causes a tremendous amount of guilt on my part. He has reassured me that if He didn't want to know, He wouldn't ask. But there are times that I feel the need to hold things back, to almost shield Him, and keep Him from having to experience my stress and worries. I don't understand why I feel that way and will often push those feelings out of my mind. I have no reason to hide anything anymore. He knows it all.

My being so open with Master also leaves me feeling very vulnerable. Past relationships in my life have never had a lot of trust built into them and being so trusting of Him scares me at times. It is getting easier and easier but I still have those insecurities on my part. Being vulnerable also scares me because I've been burned more than once. He knows things that some of my best friends do not. I cannot figure out why I trusted Him so much, so early in our relationship but I did. I guess I'm allowed to still surprise myself.

This vulnerable feeling has also left me feeling more feminine. I know that sounds very odd but in being so open, I'm becoming more soft and loving. Having Master to guide and protect me has taken away my reason for being tough and protective of myself. Don't get me wrong, in my day-to-day life I still stand up for myself and can have a very masculine feel about me. I've also found myself dressing more feminine and being a bit more concerned about how I present myself to those around me. Perhaps this is because how I present myself, is a reflection of Master. I'm far from vain but now will tend to make sure my hair is neat and my make-up is fresh.

And in this all, I've become a lot more comfortable in being a woman and more comfortable in my own skin. I like having a softer side. It's nice to know that I have someone who loves me so much to have taken on this role of guiding, teaching, and protecting me. As Master has mentioned, I can be a challenge, usually inadvertently.

We went through a rough patch and it came down to figuring out whether or not I was worth keeping. My life is full of a lot of bullshit. Frank and crass, yes but that's the only way to describe it. With Him being my Master, He must also deal with this bullshit. He's been good in helping me through things. I've also found myself wanting to stay in my role as a submissive at all times. This feeling has only become more and more strong. I don't think there is anything wrong with it but that I'm not around Master at all times. He cannot tighten the rein when I do something that I'm not supposed to do. I also do not have Him around to give me instructions when I need them. He has suggested that I call Him but I don't want to seem too needy. Finding the balance is hard. I'm not sure where the balance point is. I'm still learning and becoming comfortable in this role.

But I must say that I've never been more comfortable in a role. I have been so fortunate in discovering this part of who I am and fortunate in finding Master who has been more that patient with me. I find myself wanting to give Him even more control than He has already. It's a scary feeling but also one that is oddly comfortable. It feels natural and right.

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I'm going to try and leave things on this blog more often. I always leave them in draft form for Master to read and approve of. He makes the posts. So, if you notice a difference in dates, that's why. But I'm resolving to post more often.