"Il faut souffrir pour etre belle"

"One must suffer for to be beautiful."

That's the literal translation of course.

I'm suffering now but there's no beauty in it nor do I feel beautiful. He's suffering now and there's no beauty in that either. I honestly thought that when I checked the blog this morning, something would already be here. But I was wrong...there was just nothing.

Things in our lives had been going fairly well except for small bumps, which are to be expected. No big deal. I was happy with the way things were. We never got back into the D/s aspect of our relationship. The pain in the bedroom never stopped because he's a sadist and I'm a masochist, that will probably never change. But the D/s had just faded away. We did have several heated conversations over it in January but nothing came of it.

Until last night...

We disagreed over the way something had been handled. He didn't approve of the way I had dealt with a situation but he wasn't going to change the outcome. We continued disagreeing about it and eventually got ourselves into an argument. He made a comment about how lax things had gotten and how he needed to reign things back in; this just sent me off the edge.

We sat down and talked about the argument that had happened and he wanted to know how I felt. That was settled and then we got to what was probably the real underlying issue all along; the fact that we really didn't have a D/s thing going at all and neither of us were happy.

He wants to continue but as I explained to him last night, I don't think I can do it anymore without something changing. All the pain and anger I had been holding back was shown and although I wasn't hateful, the way I felt hurt him. The fact that I can't keep trying to hold on to the D/s for both of us when life gets busy. The fact that I can't take the high I get from serving and pleasing him only to fall harder and harder each time because life has gotten in the way again and everything stops.

This has gone on for two years, this cycle that has done nothing but cause issues between us. I asked him how I was suppose to know that this time would be any different. I told him that I was scared to let myself be that vulnerable again only to be disappointed in the end. It always scared me that I was going to open myself up too much and he would also be scared that I depended on him so much. I would always feel so wonderful and close to him and life would cause a distance to appear and grow between us again.

I asked him if he thought that what was feeling was legit. I wanted to know if saw my side, saw the reasons why. He couldn't answer me, said that he couldn't tell me how to feel. I asked where we go from here and he said that we would just be an ordinary couple leading an ordinary life.

Now I feel like the distance between us now is greater than it ever has been and I don't know how to close it. He believes that I've already made my decision but I haven't. He's going off of that assumption. I am submissive to my core. Always have been and always will be. It's something that I cannot change. He dominant and always will be; I would never ask him to change.

So, where do we go from here? Neither of us is happy. There is a feeling of relief on my part because I'd been holding so much in. I'm still madly in love with him. I still get excited when I hear him pull into the driveway. I still smile when I answer the phone and it's his voice on the other end. I look into his eyes and can still see my future. I still feel safe and protected from the world when he holds me. He can make my entire world disappear by looking at me the right way or saying the right things.

Maybe the best solution is to start over again. Perhaps we should both just let go of what has happened in the past and start anew. We should throw out the old expectations and rules and create a set that fits our lives as they stand now. A lot of changes have happened in the past three years; inevitably, we've both grown and changed and maybe the structure needs to change with it. A lot of changes will come our way in the next couple of years and things may need to change again. So maybe that's the answer. If not the answer, maybe it's the start we need to get back to place where we are both happy again.

I'm submissive and without someone to guide me, I'm about as good as a boat out of water.

Yes, we're alive

We are here and doing fairly well. We've both just recently started reading blogs again after taking a hiatus for almost a year. There are reasons behind the break and maybe I'll be able to explain a little better a little later.

So, what have we been up to, you ask? A great deal, actually. Llama has been furthering her education, finally finishing her degree. Of that, I am extremely proud of her. She has managed to juggle a great deal over the last year to accomplish that goal. I have been working, and working, and working. A great deal of the time I spend at work has been so that her dream could be realized and she could have that degree.

We took a break from just about all things D/s related. There were many reasons. The biggest reason was simply time. Not having enough hours in the day or energy when there is free time took a toll. We had several heated discussions trying to decide if we should start up again. We have decided that yes, we will resume a more active D/s relationship each day, not just in the bedroom, that never really stopped - just eased up a bit. We have a few rough spots to iron out. Llama has gotten very independent over the past year simply out of necessity, not rebellion. So, it's going to be hard for both of us to go back to the way it was, but we'll get there.

I'm toying around with the idea of letting this blog go all together, and starting somethig else. Not sure yet what I'm going to do.

28 Hours per Day

19 days since the last time we wrote anything here. How did that happen? Well, actually, I know the answer. We went away for a few days over Christmas to visit family. Good trip, nice to get away. When we came back, I buried myself right back in work.

This of course, has not helped at home. Llama has been anxious as of late. We had a few light sessions, tried to get back in the groove, but it hasn't worked. Then the e-mail. I was at work yesterday, and I went to check my e-mail. In fact, I was working late. I should have already been on my way home, but wasn't. I won't give specifics, but the overview is this; she doens't feel attractive, she thinks I'm not sexually interested in her anymore, and there isn't enough time together.

I ageree, there isn't enough time. I will be the first to admit that. I am, of course. sexually attracted and interested in her. The only problem is that after working an 18 hour day, there isn't much energy left for much else. As for her not being attractive - well, that's just not true. However, convincing her of that is another story.

I wish I could find a way to spend less time working and more time at home with Llama. I don't know how to solve the current problem facing me.

Merry Christmas

Master and I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. We hope that you get to spend it surrounded by the ones you love the very most. I also hope everyone gets what they asked for, for Christmas...even if they have been naughty. I think the naughty ones have much more fun!! See you after the New Year....

Merry Christmas!!!

Image courtesy of angelfire.com

"Love shall be our token, love be yours and love be mine"

"Love was Born at Christmas" from Shawn Colvin's "Holiday Songs and Lullabies"

Master and I are doing rather well these days. He is still busy with work and I'm busy preparing for the holidays but we have seemed to find our place right now. I know that I'm comfortable and it seems that Master is happy with where we are at.

I guess I feel lucky because other people seem to get really stressed out this time of year because of the holidays. I have no doubt that we'll hit a snag or two before it's all over with. Master has been keeping me in line by using me after the lights go out. Just when I think we've reached another level of pain, of Him using me, of my wanting to be hurt, He takes me to yet another level where I'm literally begging Him to hurt and use me. It doesn't hurt that when He is home on a day off, that He gives me the attention and time I crave from Him. I'm a happy little slave these days.

Last night, Master had a meeting after work and wouldn't be home until later on in the evening. I got His permission to get something slutty on and present Him with a drink when He came through the door. I was having trouble keeping my hands off my freshly shaved pussy. I love my pussy smooth and knowing that Master was going to come home and hurt me, made it harder to keep occupied while I waited.

Unfortunately, His meeting ran a lot later than expected. He gave me a ring to let me know He was on His way and understood if I was too tired. I was quite tired (He reads me too well) and went to change into some sweats and a tee shirt. I ended up dozing off on the couch before He arrived. He came to me and kissed me apologizing. There was really no need for it and I told Him so. Life happens and I've come to understand that He won't always make it home by the time I expect Him and that's OK.

After talking for a bit, we made our way to bed. I beat Him to the bathroom so I crawled into bed before He did. I cuddled down and waited for Him to crawl in. As always, when He got into bed, I waited for Him to cuddled up to me. I love feeling His bare skin against mine. It's such a comfortable and safe feeling, not to mention erotic. He slid in and over to me and apologized again for getting home slightly late. Then He kissed me ever so gently. One of those kisses that sent a shiver through my body and made me feel so loved.

We kissed again, one thing leading to another. He kissed my neck so lovingly, sucked my nipples, and caressed my body. I got my hand to His cock to find Him hard and stroked Him up and down, played with His balls, and kissed His neck. He got on top of me, wrapped me in His arms and slid into my wet pussy. I needed Him so bad and wanted Him even more. We began to make love, ever so slowly and gently.

There was no hair pulling, biting, slapping, name calling, choking, or scratching. Only two people who are deeply in love with each other, making love to and enjoying one another. Each time I came, He pulled my body even closer to His, feeling ever quiver and ragged breath. The pace quicken when He got close to cumming. I wanted nothing more than to feel Him cum in me, to know that He owned my body and soul and didn't have to demand it of me. As He moaned and grunted through His orgasm, I held Him as tightly as I could. He collapsed on top of me and held me close as His cock still spasmed inside of me. I didn't want Him to move. I wanted to stay in that very moment forever.

There was nothing else in the world but the two of us and our love.

"I love you."

"I love you too," Master replied and kissed me gently on the lips. I fell asleep with His hand on my thigh and His cum in my pussy, knowing deep in my heart and soul that He loved me more than life itself and cherished me above all others.

God I love that man...

Happy HNT

I think the sign says it all.


Ok - so she's not Half-Naked, she's mostly naked. But wow - what a picture!

What a Weekend!

It started off innocently enough with a trip to a local store. We needed a few odds and ends after the holiday. After we walked through the door, Master immediately headed off towards the women's clothing. I just followed, trying to figure out why we were heading in this direction. He began picking out clothing, simply asking me the sizes before handing them to me. All I had to do was hold what He handed to me. He ended up purchasing me several new pieces of clothing that I can mix and match to look casual or dressy.

It was wonderful!! I have the inability to shop for myself. Master has sent me out to do so and I've not fared very well. It would've taken me at least two hours to pick out what He did in 15 minutes. I wouldn't have picked out as many things either. I felt so loved and owned.

The fun didn't end there either. We that night free and decided to go out. Master decided to take me a strip club. It was my first time but I had a pretty good idea of what it'd be like. It was a bit nicer than I thought and there were more women in the place than men at one point. We took a seat at a table back from the stage and ordered drinks. Master was letting me drink, which always makes me relax and go with the flow easier.

The first excitement came when the "shot girl" came around. She was a cute blonde with a very nice body. They were body shots, so she'd pick where the shot had to be taken from. We'd watched her walk the room and she always put the tube in her cleavage. That was, until she got to me. She stuck the tube down in the front waistband of her pants. I giggled and took the shot. Very tasty.

As we sat and I drank more and more, a brunette stripper started doing her thing. She had an amazing ass and danced well. Master put a dollar on the table and told me to go up and give it to her. I blushed, nervous to be the first one up for this dancer. I took a sip of my drink and walked up. She had me stand up, and rubbed her ass on my boobs. Her ass literally vibrated! She kissed my cheek and thanked me before I sat down.

A few drinks later, a blond stripper took the stage. Another woman walked up with her money. The stripper had her stand and began to kiss her neck while grabbing her boobs and butt. Master's jaw dropped. He got out another dollar and told me to go up. By this point, I was buzzing on my drinks. He walked up with me and watch as the stripper sucked and nibbled my neck and ears, while grabbing my ass and chest. It was sexy, I have to admit.

The alcohol was really calming my nerves when the shot girl came back around. This time, she put the tube in just above her ass, in the waistband of her wonderfully fitting jeans. She was a sweet girl who got tipped well evening.

Soon, all the strippers came out and started working the room. My favorite ass stripper came over and offered a couch dance. Master came along to watch....

He got one hell of a show!!

She rubbed me up and down, had my shirt up, exposing my black bra. My hand had her ass cheek. She pinched and nibbled my nipples, rubbed her nipple against mine. She kissed and nibbled my neck and ears. I was shifting back and forth in my seat, getting more and more aroused. I was waiting for her to kiss me and she almost did when she ended. I have to admit that I was very attracted to this woman. Actually, she was the first woman I've ever been sexually attracted to.

This was pretty much the end of our night. Master paid our tab and we each got rubbed down by our favorite stripper once more before we headed out. This is when we discovered we'd been thinking the same thing. I was thinking about mentioning taking her home, as was Master.

The threesome fantasy is still one I have a lot of trouble wrapping my mind around and get emotional over when it's discussed. I have my fears and I still rather it stay a fantasy (that's a whole, new post!). I'm glad we didn't bring her home although I know we would've had fun but I would've regretted it terribly. The next morning, more sober, I couldn't believe that I had given thought to bringing her home and voiced this to Master. Damn alcohol! *smiles*

So, Master bought me new clothing, took me to a strip club, let me drink all I wanted, watched me get rubbed against by a hot stripper, and got the end result of one very, very horny llama.

Perhaps we should take another trip to the club and look up my favorite stripper again here soon....!!

Giving Thanks

Goodness, we've been so busy lately. I'd check through my blog everyday and would check to see if anyone had left a comment or if Master had time to make a post. I'd always think, "I need to make a post about something..." And would forget about soon after. I have tried to keep up with my reading however and have been fairly successful with that.

I just wanted to get in a quick post before tomorrow morning. We'll be heading off to enjoy dinner with family and probably a couple of friends. We'll eat too much food, drink too much wine, and enjoy ourselves way too much. I also wanted to mention that I'm thankful for my Master, who deals with way more drama than He ought to sometimes.

Thank you Master for always being there when I need you most. Thank you for dealing with my personal issues and insecurities...They are hard enough for me to deal with so I can't imagine how You deal with them but You do. I'm thankful that we've got to spend more time together lately, especially the lovely bruises You've left on my chest. I remember You everytime I rub my chest during the day and when I admire them in the mirror after a shower. I love You Master and I'm so thankful that You came into my life and chose me.

To everyone, Happy Thanksgiving! I hope that you are able to spend it with the family and friends that you love so much and hold dear. I hope everyone is able to take time out and really think about the things that they are thankful for.

Don't send the flowers yet

I swear, we're still alive. I know I said I was going to make an effort to post more often. Obviously that hasn't worked out too well. Actually, things here are going quite well for llama and I. There just aren't enough hours in the day. And with the holidays rapidly approaching, it will only get worse.

We haven't had the time for a full blown play session in weeks, but we manage to have some vigorous and heated romps in the bedroom on a fairly regular basis. I suppose that's domething.

Just wanted to say hello to everyone still around to check on us and see if we're still here. Maybe one of these days I'll get my persoanl and professional life together and have the time I want to do all the things I want to do.

If I don't get a chance to write again this week, llama and I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. We plan on giving thanks for all the wonderful things in our life - and then eating everything that's not nailed down!

Ciao!

HNT - better late than never

Blogger was acting up the other night, and I was unable to update. Finally - I am able to make a post and put up the pictures that I was unable to get off the camera from like a week ago. Yes, I managed to finally get them off the camera. So, enjoy some of my knife handi-work on llama!